My wife Susan claims I can get someone’s life story out of them within ten minutes of meeting them. At a family wedding last Saturday in a seaside town called Cleethorpes, 80 miles from where we live, I went knowing my daughter Alicia (the bride), her partner and groom, Steve, plus our two granddaughters in their mid-30s and a boyfriend of one. The other 40 guests I did not know at all*, but I soon knew a few of them quite well. My fedora helped, as did being Alicia’s dad. *There was a surprise for one lovely lady and me. We had a liaison we could own up to from fifty years ago, when we were married to different partners. We fell into one another’s arms. As for our spouses? I think they enjoyed the moment as much as us. We were all too old to care!
I tell you this because I am a loner at heart, insomuch as I have a small circle of friends. The end of your essay Betsy says it all. The passing exchanges, the nods and thank yous, as we get off a bus or see faces we know on sight, nothing more. In a few weeks I will vote Labour in our local borough elections, glad to be part of that group, whilst happily chatting and sharing meals with neighbours who vote Conservative.
Choosing to leave or not to join in the first place is not the same as being excluded, though that is a badge I have worn with honour on more than one occasion. Then there is family...
Thank you Betsy. I have it mind when I’m feeling better to write an auto fictional of ‘The Reunion’.
‘Notoriety’ is something many gain from exclusion and actually enjoy, especially when they, later, are taken back into the fold. Particularly true of politicians and a good few writers. Banned for what they write, some choosing to live in exile. They are all ‘outsiders’. Back in 1979, I was barred from holding office in the Labour Party for five years. In 1981 I was elected a Nottingham Labour councillor and Chair of East Midlands Airport. They were my ‘Dare to be a Daniel’ years and I remember my exclusion with pride because I saw off my critics. Robert 🐰
My ability to commune with other people in real life has diminished since Covid-19. I didn't think it had until I had an opportunity to attend AWP. I backed out. Too many people. I do visit a few friends, as well as my family. I attend my writers group, but I wear a mask. My ability to trust people has diminished too. Will it come back? I used to love going to workshops, retreats, pot luck dinners. The loss is real.
I’m so sorry, Sandra. I don’t think you’re alone. The pandemic and all the anger and distrust and fear that came along with it--we want to pretend we all just snap back when it ends, but that’s not how it works. I noticed I had to very intentionally make myself restart those habits of sociability. Going to our coffee shop. Seeing live music at venues here in town. It takes effort and that’s hard and sometimes scary.
Going to that gathering of writers I mentioned in the story was the first time I'd gathered in person with folks outside my family since my father's delayed funeral (he died of Covid). I think now this is another reason I felt the connection and happiness so deeply. I'd missed it and yet, with folks in my family who remain vulnerable, we are always weighing our choices. It has changed things. I can empathize with the loss you feel.
I know, right? My decision now is -- do I read them right away or save them? When books fall into my life, they always call to me a little more loudly than the ones I've had for a while.
I too struggle between loving time alone and seeking out community. I've recently joined a couple of meetup groups of people who enjoy doing things with others and it has been fun to meet new people for a common purpose/activity, but I always get a bit nervous before )
I get the whole "being a little bit nervous" thing. I always feel a little anticipatory dread but it is amazing how a common purpose can smooth the way. Actually, for me, the initial period, the ", honeymoon" is always great. It's when the newness wears off that the discomfort of community seems to emerge. But that's also when it gets more real abd potentially strong.
This and Robyn’s posts were very spot on. More and more I hear talk of community, belonging, social connections. Some of it is a result of studies showing how community plays a role in longevity. Most of this talk comes from friends and family who are getting on in the decades. Some of the talk is from my daughter, who, as a college senior in her last semester, sees her community soon parting. Both bring dread. My peers think that they need to rush out and get more social connections because just sitting and knitting or reading may hasten their death. So they add this as another to-do on the never ending list they keep.
My daughter feels dread because not being part of something solid like her college friends is so scary. She worries she’ll never find another. I know she will but my words offer little comfort.
I guess I have a different take on community and belonging. Much of it comes from my years working in Hospice. Seeing connections newly established and connections obliterated. Most of my hospice patients say to me that once they let all the extraneous things go, they could finally focus on what they truly connect with; mostly themselves and their small pleasures. Their garden, their favorite books, their faith. They reduce their circle to just those that hold special meaning in their hearts. I’m always surprised by this because it isn’t always friends or family or even spouses. Sometimes it’s the health professionals who were there consistently throughout a long slog in their medical crisis. Sometimes it’s the elderly neighbor they waved to and shoveled snow for. Oftentimes it is pets. I have seen so many tears about leaving a beloved pet.
Of course family is important but it seems a lot of those connections are based on obligation or history and not true compatibility. This is why holidays are so bittersweet.
One patient I had, who had a lovely husband and children, longed to meet a distant penpal. She told me she felt so connected to her because they shared stories, had thoughtful written exchanges through the years and the patient felt such a deep connection even though they had never met in person. These were the days before FaceTime or Zoom, so a face to face was never established and she did not want to phone this person because she felt it could ruin everything. She said to me, what if her voice is awful? It would destroy what I hold dear. So she took pen to paper and dashed off one last goodbye. This was probably the most poignant thing I have ever witnessed. That and the woman who loved her roses so much that we set up her hospital bed by the window so she could see them every day until she died.
We do have strong connections, we just do not always allow ourselves to indulge in them with all the noise and hubris of our everyday lives distracting our attention. And they are not always people we think they are. And sometimes not people at all! And oftentimes those people are who make up the structure of our lives but not considered friends; the mailman, the church congregation, the knitting group, the book group, the lady at the grocery store, the butcher, the co-worker, the hairdresser, our favorite coffee spot or restaurant. These touchstones are so essential, yet we don’t realize their importance until they are gone.
Anyway, thank you for your great posts that make me ponder and think. I like to read them weekly because they are a connection I cherish.
As I read your comment, I thought again of Kimmerer's book -- the idea of connections with beings other than people is strong there. I've also read elsewhere about the importance of daily people or places or touchstones -- these, too, are community. I do love what you said about how the dying are particularly able to focus on what is most meaningful to them.
The description of your daughter's angst as she contemplated the end of college reminded me of my son's when he graduated from the small school he went to for high school. They were all so tight and it was a huge event to leave each other.
Your comment seemed to highlight another aspect of community: when it changes, when it is time to let go or refocus. The choices we make at these times lead to many different places but all, hopefully, to peace and meaning.
It took me a very long time to work out that I was introverted, as I do enjoy people so much - it just tired me out! Here in our Buddhist community we only eat together once a week. I don't think I could manage much more than that. It's good for me to get more honest a out what my actual capacity is, and respect that! Thank you for your writing 🙏🏻
Being more honest with ourselves is an important point. Thank you. We can love our people and still be exhausted by them. Perhaps that is something that I need to sit with a bit. I may be confusing what I imagine they require of me with what is actually required or what is, essentially, enough.
Yes that's interesting - I definitely confuse that, sometimes I think 'I should offer this but can't really bear to', and then manage to offer it, and the other person says no!! And yes, beloveds can be very exhausting. More & more I try to trust that I am enough, with all my limitations - and if others need me to be different, that's ok - they can be disappointed! Harder in practise than theory tho...
I'm finding more and more that community is the only way out of any of the problems we are facing as humans. The thing is that as you wrote, it is hard. Much easier to do it online and from afar.
I'm an introvert as well, but I learned that I need to put in the effort to meet people and get it out of my own way. Even if it's for one or two days a week. Working remotely has been mostly great, but can make your life a bit lonely, overall. Maybe my next step would be combining meeting people and doing something for a cause that I believe.
I agree, Luiza. I would add that I think the destruction of community is part of how we got into a lot of the problems we have in the first place. We do a lot of destructive things to try to fill the spaces in our lives where community used to be for previous generations.
I'm also an introvert. My perfect day is being alone for most of it, writing or daydreaming. Walking. Whatever. Then getting together with friends at the end. I feel lucky to have realized that I very much need both.
I think I'm a nice balance of a joiner AND a loner. An introvert that loves people?
I don't spend much time on social media these days, but I do find myself hanging out in the comments sections of my favourite Substacks. And I love having fun and positive interactions with people I don't know at service stations, or in shops etc.
I think it is perfectly natural for introverts to love people - perhaps the difference comes in how introverts may respond to the prospect of togetherness or joining up. There is something necessary and also magical about connecting with strangers who have the ability to take me, anyway, out of myself for a bit but also reassure me about the common connection that exists.
I have an in and out relationship with social media but I, too, have enjoyed the much more meaningful exchanges I've found here. Thank you for contributing to the conversations here!
I have only given to LFLs . Most of my want list is for some very obscure books. But I have found good books near dumpsters that were about to be thrown away.
What I have found is that every LFL seems to have its own personality, and I end up really only looking into one or two.
You're right, Ron, each one does have its own character and personality. Sometimes, though, like people, they can surprise. I have a lot of them in my immediate area so it's been fun. I like to leave books too. I have a bunch that I'm salting throughout the area, trying to find the right LFL for each one.
I thought some more about this and as I read through my essay again, I came to the line that talked about the apprehension and dread I feel at the thought of being left outside my group. I neglected to write that for a long time -- and even now-- this comes with a tinge of shame or failure. There was a great emphasis on the idea of independence and individuality when I was growing up. If I can't do things by myself -- if I need others -- then it is a weakness. I will have failed to become fully adult or something. Is this society's fault? Is it my parents' doing? Did I just read too many of the wrong books? In any event it is a holdover from my growing-up years. I think even now, I am more comfortable with being needed by others than needing them even though I realize that this is its own problem.
My wife Susan claims I can get someone’s life story out of them within ten minutes of meeting them. At a family wedding last Saturday in a seaside town called Cleethorpes, 80 miles from where we live, I went knowing my daughter Alicia (the bride), her partner and groom, Steve, plus our two granddaughters in their mid-30s and a boyfriend of one. The other 40 guests I did not know at all*, but I soon knew a few of them quite well. My fedora helped, as did being Alicia’s dad. *There was a surprise for one lovely lady and me. We had a liaison we could own up to from fifty years ago, when we were married to different partners. We fell into one another’s arms. As for our spouses? I think they enjoyed the moment as much as us. We were all too old to care!
I tell you this because I am a loner at heart, insomuch as I have a small circle of friends. The end of your essay Betsy says it all. The passing exchanges, the nods and thank yous, as we get off a bus or see faces we know on sight, nothing more. In a few weeks I will vote Labour in our local borough elections, glad to be part of that group, whilst happily chatting and sharing meals with neighbours who vote Conservative.
Choosing to leave or not to join in the first place is not the same as being excluded, though that is a badge I have worn with honour on more than one occasion. Then there is family...
Robert Howard 🐰
I never thought of exclusion as being "badge of honor" - as I think about it, perhaps it can be sometimes.
I loved hearing about your reunion at the wedding! Now there's a fun story.
Thank you Betsy. I have it mind when I’m feeling better to write an auto fictional of ‘The Reunion’.
‘Notoriety’ is something many gain from exclusion and actually enjoy, especially when they, later, are taken back into the fold. Particularly true of politicians and a good few writers. Banned for what they write, some choosing to live in exile. They are all ‘outsiders’. Back in 1979, I was barred from holding office in the Labour Party for five years. In 1981 I was elected a Nottingham Labour councillor and Chair of East Midlands Airport. They were my ‘Dare to be a Daniel’ years and I remember my exclusion with pride because I saw off my critics. Robert 🐰
My ability to commune with other people in real life has diminished since Covid-19. I didn't think it had until I had an opportunity to attend AWP. I backed out. Too many people. I do visit a few friends, as well as my family. I attend my writers group, but I wear a mask. My ability to trust people has diminished too. Will it come back? I used to love going to workshops, retreats, pot luck dinners. The loss is real.
I’m so sorry, Sandra. I don’t think you’re alone. The pandemic and all the anger and distrust and fear that came along with it--we want to pretend we all just snap back when it ends, but that’s not how it works. I noticed I had to very intentionally make myself restart those habits of sociability. Going to our coffee shop. Seeing live music at venues here in town. It takes effort and that’s hard and sometimes scary.
Going to that gathering of writers I mentioned in the story was the first time I'd gathered in person with folks outside my family since my father's delayed funeral (he died of Covid). I think now this is another reason I felt the connection and happiness so deeply. I'd missed it and yet, with folks in my family who remain vulnerable, we are always weighing our choices. It has changed things. I can empathize with the loss you feel.
NIce little free library haul! Lucky day
I know, right? My decision now is -- do I read them right away or save them? When books fall into my life, they always call to me a little more loudly than the ones I've had for a while.
I too struggle between loving time alone and seeking out community. I've recently joined a couple of meetup groups of people who enjoy doing things with others and it has been fun to meet new people for a common purpose/activity, but I always get a bit nervous before )
I get the whole "being a little bit nervous" thing. I always feel a little anticipatory dread but it is amazing how a common purpose can smooth the way. Actually, for me, the initial period, the ", honeymoon" is always great. It's when the newness wears off that the discomfort of community seems to emerge. But that's also when it gets more real abd potentially strong.
This and Robyn’s posts were very spot on. More and more I hear talk of community, belonging, social connections. Some of it is a result of studies showing how community plays a role in longevity. Most of this talk comes from friends and family who are getting on in the decades. Some of the talk is from my daughter, who, as a college senior in her last semester, sees her community soon parting. Both bring dread. My peers think that they need to rush out and get more social connections because just sitting and knitting or reading may hasten their death. So they add this as another to-do on the never ending list they keep.
My daughter feels dread because not being part of something solid like her college friends is so scary. She worries she’ll never find another. I know she will but my words offer little comfort.
I guess I have a different take on community and belonging. Much of it comes from my years working in Hospice. Seeing connections newly established and connections obliterated. Most of my hospice patients say to me that once they let all the extraneous things go, they could finally focus on what they truly connect with; mostly themselves and their small pleasures. Their garden, their favorite books, their faith. They reduce their circle to just those that hold special meaning in their hearts. I’m always surprised by this because it isn’t always friends or family or even spouses. Sometimes it’s the health professionals who were there consistently throughout a long slog in their medical crisis. Sometimes it’s the elderly neighbor they waved to and shoveled snow for. Oftentimes it is pets. I have seen so many tears about leaving a beloved pet.
Of course family is important but it seems a lot of those connections are based on obligation or history and not true compatibility. This is why holidays are so bittersweet.
One patient I had, who had a lovely husband and children, longed to meet a distant penpal. She told me she felt so connected to her because they shared stories, had thoughtful written exchanges through the years and the patient felt such a deep connection even though they had never met in person. These were the days before FaceTime or Zoom, so a face to face was never established and she did not want to phone this person because she felt it could ruin everything. She said to me, what if her voice is awful? It would destroy what I hold dear. So she took pen to paper and dashed off one last goodbye. This was probably the most poignant thing I have ever witnessed. That and the woman who loved her roses so much that we set up her hospital bed by the window so she could see them every day until she died.
We do have strong connections, we just do not always allow ourselves to indulge in them with all the noise and hubris of our everyday lives distracting our attention. And they are not always people we think they are. And sometimes not people at all! And oftentimes those people are who make up the structure of our lives but not considered friends; the mailman, the church congregation, the knitting group, the book group, the lady at the grocery store, the butcher, the co-worker, the hairdresser, our favorite coffee spot or restaurant. These touchstones are so essential, yet we don’t realize their importance until they are gone.
Anyway, thank you for your great posts that make me ponder and think. I like to read them weekly because they are a connection I cherish.
As I read your comment, I thought again of Kimmerer's book -- the idea of connections with beings other than people is strong there. I've also read elsewhere about the importance of daily people or places or touchstones -- these, too, are community. I do love what you said about how the dying are particularly able to focus on what is most meaningful to them.
The description of your daughter's angst as she contemplated the end of college reminded me of my son's when he graduated from the small school he went to for high school. They were all so tight and it was a huge event to leave each other.
Your comment seemed to highlight another aspect of community: when it changes, when it is time to let go or refocus. The choices we make at these times lead to many different places but all, hopefully, to peace and meaning.
It took me a very long time to work out that I was introverted, as I do enjoy people so much - it just tired me out! Here in our Buddhist community we only eat together once a week. I don't think I could manage much more than that. It's good for me to get more honest a out what my actual capacity is, and respect that! Thank you for your writing 🙏🏻
Being more honest with ourselves is an important point. Thank you. We can love our people and still be exhausted by them. Perhaps that is something that I need to sit with a bit. I may be confusing what I imagine they require of me with what is actually required or what is, essentially, enough.
Yes that's interesting - I definitely confuse that, sometimes I think 'I should offer this but can't really bear to', and then manage to offer it, and the other person says no!! And yes, beloveds can be very exhausting. More & more I try to trust that I am enough, with all my limitations - and if others need me to be different, that's ok - they can be disappointed! Harder in practise than theory tho...
I'm finding more and more that community is the only way out of any of the problems we are facing as humans. The thing is that as you wrote, it is hard. Much easier to do it online and from afar.
I'm an introvert as well, but I learned that I need to put in the effort to meet people and get it out of my own way. Even if it's for one or two days a week. Working remotely has been mostly great, but can make your life a bit lonely, overall. Maybe my next step would be combining meeting people and doing something for a cause that I believe.
I agree, Luiza. I would add that I think the destruction of community is part of how we got into a lot of the problems we have in the first place. We do a lot of destructive things to try to fill the spaces in our lives where community used to be for previous generations.
I'm also an introvert. My perfect day is being alone for most of it, writing or daydreaming. Walking. Whatever. Then getting together with friends at the end. I feel lucky to have realized that I very much need both.
I think I'm a nice balance of a joiner AND a loner. An introvert that loves people?
I don't spend much time on social media these days, but I do find myself hanging out in the comments sections of my favourite Substacks. And I love having fun and positive interactions with people I don't know at service stations, or in shops etc.
I think it is perfectly natural for introverts to love people - perhaps the difference comes in how introverts may respond to the prospect of togetherness or joining up. There is something necessary and also magical about connecting with strangers who have the ability to take me, anyway, out of myself for a bit but also reassure me about the common connection that exists.
I have an in and out relationship with social media but I, too, have enjoyed the much more meaningful exchanges I've found here. Thank you for contributing to the conversations here!
I have only given to LFLs . Most of my want list is for some very obscure books. But I have found good books near dumpsters that were about to be thrown away.
What I have found is that every LFL seems to have its own personality, and I end up really only looking into one or two.
You're right, Ron, each one does have its own character and personality. Sometimes, though, like people, they can surprise. I have a lot of them in my immediate area so it's been fun. I like to leave books too. I have a bunch that I'm salting throughout the area, trying to find the right LFL for each one.
I thought some more about this and as I read through my essay again, I came to the line that talked about the apprehension and dread I feel at the thought of being left outside my group. I neglected to write that for a long time -- and even now-- this comes with a tinge of shame or failure. There was a great emphasis on the idea of independence and individuality when I was growing up. If I can't do things by myself -- if I need others -- then it is a weakness. I will have failed to become fully adult or something. Is this society's fault? Is it my parents' doing? Did I just read too many of the wrong books? In any event it is a holdover from my growing-up years. I think even now, I am more comfortable with being needed by others than needing them even though I realize that this is its own problem.