The Prickly Comforts of Community

A response to Robyn Ryle's beautiful essay of last week

Before we begin

Are you a joiner or a loner? What do you find the most comforting and/or the most challenging aspects to cultivating a community or simply being part of one? And when’s the last time you consciously interacted with someone you don’t really know or agree with? 

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Call and Response

Last week on this page, you read Robyn Ryle’s essay about awe and its ability to take us out of ourselves and closer to each other; awe and community, it seems, are often found together. This week, it was my turn to share some thoughts about the comforts of community and the challenges sparked, in part,  by Psychologist Geoffrey Cohen’s new book: Belonging: The Science of Creating Connection and Bridging Divides.  Here’s how I started. You’ll find the rest of my essay over on Robyn’s Substack, You Think Too Much. We’d both love your thoughts on this subject so fire away either here or over on Robyn’s page. 

The Comfort and Challenge of Community

“I find myself thinking about the tension that exists between the desire for community, family, love, and the desire -- the need -- to be alone. “ - My Second Favorite Thing

I wrote those words a couple of years ago. I am still feeling this tension. I’m beginning to understand that I may always feel that tug between the desire for connection and the desire to opt out, to be free of the constraints that come with being part of a group whether it is a family, a community. I also understand, though, that if I had to choose, I would slam the door on that room of my own and choose to live cheek by jowl among other people, my people. This becomes more apparent with every passing year.

Photo by Danielle Barnes on Unsplash

I choose the group because I am human and hard-wired to be a social animal according to science. It’s also because I am afraid that if I don’t choose my people, they will abandon me and that fills me with apprehension and dread. We are hard-wired to feel a kind of social pain when we are left out, or feel we don’t belong, according to Stanford psychologist Geoffrey Cohen. He cites work done by Kipling Willliams that shows how human brains respond to ostracism in the same way they respond to pain. To be cut off from the community causes pain. It is why bees, for example, use ostracism to control their group, and why shunning was and is used by some religious or other communities. It is why, when I was one year into my first job out of college and my colleagues began to explore unionizing the reporters on the paper, I was torn between my loyalty to the man who had hired me and the group who would never regard me as one of them if I resisted. …More

To read the rest of this post on Robyn’s page (and I hope you will), just click Choosing the Group, Even When It’s Hard The Comfort and Challenge.  

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While we’re on the subject…

Comments on Robyn’s guest post last Saturday yielded some more gems for those who want to work more awe into their lives. Lisa Renee of The Long Middle offers two more resources about the power of small things to create awe:  Finding Awe Amid Everyday Splendor by Henry Wismayer and “On Being”, an interview with Dacher Keltner. 

And speaking of community…

• Shout out to Mary Locke who suggested a new resource for writers in our Resources for Writers and Writing Groups page: #AskAlli Broadcasts, podcasts and videos by the Alliance for Independent Authors . She calls the group one of the “the best organization to belong to if you are, or are interested in becoming an independent author (or hybrid-combining traditional and independent publishing. 

• And for those who are looking to read more books about, by, and featuring trans, nonbinary, and genderqueer people, fellow #Bookstacker

  Laura Sackton
  , publisher of
  Books & Bakes
  has assembled a list of 100 of them. The list includes fiction, nonfiction. She writes:  that includes “It is an expansive list featuring authors of all genders from many countries and backgrounds. Note that some of the books I’ve included by trans authors are not about trans characters. Newsflash: trans people can write about whatever and whoever they want!”

• We have gathered a number of great resources for readers and writers. Check them out HERE and let us know of ones we should add. 

Two short reads

• I’m always interested in how other writers work, so this post by

  Erin Bowman
  about how she develops story or book ideas was a fun read. 

• This short editorial by Rebecca Solnit jolted me out of the hopelessness I feel when I read about the future of our planet. She asks what if climate change meant not doom but abundance which builds in part on some of the concepts I’m learning more about as I continue to read Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teaching of Plants. 

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Little Free Library Haul

Marlon James’s novel was a little waterlogged but I’d always been curious about him and Black Leopard, Red Wolf, so when I saw it in one of the LFLs on my dog-walking route, I grabbed it. Then, Ruth Ozeki waved to me from another LFL on my dog-walking route probably because she knew A Tale for the Time Being was on my TBR list for 2023. Finally, in yet another LFL, I found de Balzac’s Pere Goriot and I said, “Why not?” I’m feeling enormously grateful to my neighborhood librarians. What’s your most recent LFL find? 

Spark is Yours: Chime In

Have you just finished a book you loved? Tell us about it.  Got a great resource for readers or writers? Share away! How about sharing your book stack with us, that tower of tomes rising next to your bed or your bath or wherever you keep the books you intend to read – someday. And if you stumbled on a Moment of Zen, show us what moved you, made you laugh, or just created a sliver of light in an otherwise murky world. 

Thank you and Welcome

Thank you to everyone who has shared Spark with a friend. We are growing every week. Welcome to all new subscribers! Thank you so much for being here. If you would like to check out past issues, here’s a quick link to the archives. Be sure to check out our Resources for Readers and Writers too.

That’s it for this week. Let me know how you are and what you’re thinking about. And of course, always let me know what you’re reading. If there’s an idea, book, or question you’d like to see in an upcoming issue of Spark, let us know!

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Ciao for now!

Gratefully,

Betsy

P.S. And now, your moment of Zen…Daily dose of Zen in the Organ Mountains

Kathy B. of Las Cruces, New Mexico writes: “My moment of Zen happens everyday! We have a wonderful view of the Organ Mountains in Las Cruces, NM. Catching a glimpse of them through our windows and on our walks always brings me peace.”

Calling for Your Contribution to A Moment of Zen

What is YOUR moment of Zen? Send me your photos, a video, a drawing, a song, a poem, or anything with a visual that moved you, thrilled you, calmed you. Or just cracked you up. This feature is wide open for your own personal interpretation.

Come on, go through your photos, your memories or just keep your eyes and ears to the ground and then share. Send your photos/links, etc. to me by replying to this email or simply by sending to: elizabethmarro@substack.com. The main guidelines are probably already obvious: don’t hurt anyone  -- don’t send anything that violates the privacy of someone you love or even someone you hate, don’t send anything divisive, or aimed at disparaging others. Our Zen moments are to help us connect, to bond, to learn, to wonder, to share -- to escape the world for a little bit and return refreshed. 

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