A door closes...then what?
Leaving mothering behind, finding friends through books, and an INVITATION!!!!
Before we begin
You know that old saying, “When one door closes, another opens?” Has there been a time you have experienced this? Were you the one who shut that first door and moved on, or did someone or something else do it for you? How did your journey unfold from there?
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Hello friends,
Close to thirty years ago, a colleague let me know that a rumor was going around the office that I was pregnant. The father? Well, folks had lots of thoughts about that. She sat across from me in my cubicle, half embarrassed, half curious. I laughed. I told her it was a physical impossibility as I had, a couple of years earlier, elected to have a tubal ligation. No more children for me.
Then I found myself saying these words, “I am going to try to write. I am going to use all the energy I would put into mothering a human being into growing another side of myself.” We both sat there, digesting this idea. She was a bit younger than me, single, no kids. Her so-called biological clock was running down somewhere in the background but not urgently enough for her to upend her life. She was smart, creative, and funny . She struck me as a person who had a lot of sides to her. I was single, with a grown son (or mostly grown – who knows what twenty-something meant back then). Still in our forties, we both had energy, experience, intelligence and opportunity to try things. Be things. Grow. Until that moment, I had not owned this idea. I had unplugged my biological clock because I knew that as much as I had loved mothering my son, I did not want to start down that path again in mid-life.
What followed, though, were some of the most uncomfortable years of my life. I felt naked. This was not empty-nest syndrome although I suppose that was the beginning. The first year after my son left home, I walked around feeling what I imagine an amputee feels after losing a limb - the brain still sees it, feels it, and expects to find it where it has always been. My son never left my life but he never came home again either. In the years that followed his departure, I became aware that motherhood in my late teens had given me structure and identity at a time in my life when I was still relatively unformed. Being single for much of the time that followed, I had plenty to do, a sense of purpose, and a socially acceptable reason for deferring the hopes I’d had for writing. It was only after my son left that I let myself face the truth head on: I had been hiding my lack of confidence beneath the mantle of motherhood. When he left the nest, the mantle started to slip. When, several years later, I closed the door on having another child, it was in a heap on the floor. Everything was possible but I clearly had work to do.
Fast forward to this minute, right now, as I type these words. I am still a mother and I love my 48-year-old child with the same devotion and lack of logic that marked our years living together. There isn’t much I can do though in the way of active mothering. These days, motherhood, family, and the ties that humans both need and struggle against are subjects for my writing. I find them endlessly fascinating especially as the world changes around us in sometimes frightening ways. I have birthed a book and have discovered something in me that makes me keep trying to write the next one so I can write the one after that. When I meet strangers now, I tell them I write. Very often, we don’t get around to talking about kids at all.
When I was a mother, I used to tell people about the things I would do “in my next life,” as if that next chapter was guaranteed. When I uttered those words to my colleague that day, I realized my body had known something that I had not let myself fully face until that moment: it was time to let go and move on. While I still could.
What about you? Have you ever had to give up one identity to move forward? Did you ever begin to consider your own parent in a new light after you left the nest or was something preventing that? Am I being too nosy? If so, tell us about a book that explores this idea in a way you appreciated. The comments section has been rich these past months with insights and examples, experiences and book recommendations. Keep ‘em coming!
Making friends over books is pretty great
When I came across this
story about a man who kept a log of every person he’d known who died, I thought instantly of Marilyn Johnson. Marilyn wrote one of my favorite books of all time, The Dead Beat: Lost Souls, Lucky Stiffs, and the Perverse Pleasures of Obituaries. When I found her on Twitter years back, I reached out and told her how much I loved it and she responded. She has been a subscriber to Spark since its inception, which has been a thrill for me and the source of some fun correspondence. This time was no exception. I sent off the link with a quick note and got gold in return.“Oh Betsy, this is divine stuff and I would have missed it!
Thank you! It reminds me of something that I keep meaning to look up, and don’t, or you would have gotten this reply much sooner:
oh here it is, Novels in Three Lines by Félix Fénéon. The only review I ever wrote for the NYTBR (so you think I’d remember the title!)” - Marilyn Johnson
I read the review and immediately scrounged the internet for a copy of Novels in Three Lines, a collection of condensed news bits penned by Felix Fénéon, collected and saved by his mistress, and later translated for this book by Luc Sante. I pick it up throughout the day for the sheer pleasure of discovering how much can be said by leaving so much out.
“At Menzéldjemil, Tunisia, Mme Chassouxi, an officer’s wife, would have been murdered had her corset not stopped the blade.”
“Nurse Elise Bachman, whose day off was yesterday, put on a public display of insanity.”
(A bit later) “A certain madwoman arrested downtown falsely claimed to be nurse Elise Bachman. The latter is perfectly sane.”
“Lyons carter Marius Pâris killed himself but being a finicky husband first wounded his wife with three shots.” — From Novels in Three Lines by Felix Fénéon
While I was shopping, I also picked up copies of Marilyn’s other books: This Book is Overdue!: How Librarians and Cybrarians Can Save Us All (given the pressure on today’s librarians, this one seems very timely) and Lives in Ruins: Archeologists and the Seductive Lure of Human Rubble. As I was reminded when I first read The Dead Beat, the best nonfiction is the kind that takes you on a tour of a world you may never have visited otherwise and turns it into a read that is full of characters, wit, and nuggets of information you never knew you needed. I am looking forward to reading these two books; I know I will be in good hands.
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And now, an idea…
This most recent correspondence with Marilyn spurred me to move on an idea I’ve had for a while now: to create a central directory of the authors among us so the next time you are browsing for a book or are looking for a new voice, you’ll have one more great resource. I’ve also been wanting to create a similar directory for those professionals who help writers reach their goals.
Read on for details.
An invitation to authors and writing professionals in our community
We are lucky to have many published authors and writing professionals among us. Why not make a place where readers can find new books and writers can find help right here in the Spark community?
I’m excited to announce that we will be making a space here at Spark for the authors among us to introduce themselves and their books so the many readers among us can browse there for their next read. We will also make a space for the professionals among us who help writers with the craft and the business of writing – editors, writing consultants, readers, etc. – so those who need their help can find them more easily.
The good news is that even though we are assembling these resources from within and for the Spark community, readers who are not subscribers will be able to see it as well and you will be able to share it with anyone you wish.
The rules are simple:
Those listed must be Spark subscribers which is easy and free and brings lots of side benefits such as fun weekly discussions and essays about life and the books that help us get through it. If you later unsubscribe, no problem but your listing may be removed as we update.
If you are an author, you must have published at least one book - it can be old, new, e-book, audio, or print
The book(s) are still available through used/new bookstores, online, or in libraries
To add yourself to either of the lists, click the links below and fill out the simple forms. When we have at least ten folks listed, we’ll make the pages and keep updating them as new folks come in.
I’m excited about this and look forward to seeing folks make new connections. I’m sure there will be glitches from time to time so I ask for your patience as we climb up the learning curve together. Please don’t hesitate to suggest improvements or to point out what’s not working. Thank you!
A look back at past Mother’s Day posts
Spark is yours: chime in
Have you just finished a book you loved? Tell us about it. Got a great resource for readers or writers? Share away! How about sharing your book stack with us, that tower of tomes rising next to your bed or your bath or wherever you keep the books you intend to read – someday. And if you stumbled on a Moment of Zen, show us what moved you, made you laugh, or just created a sliver of light in an otherwise murky world.
Thank you and welcome
Thank you to everyone who shared Spark with a friend again this week. Welcome to all new subscribers! Thank you so much for being here. If you would like to check out past issues, here’s a quick link to the archives. Be sure to check out our Resources for Readers and Writers too. FYI: I am an affiliate of Bookshop.org and whenever you buy a book I’ve listed here from the Spark Community Recommendations page of bookshop.org, I will earn a commission.
That’s it for this week. Let me know how you are and what you’re thinking about. And of course, always let me know what you’re reading. If there’s an idea, book, or question you’d like to see in an upcoming issue of Spark, let us know!
Ciao for now.
Gratefully yours,
Betsy
P.S. And now, your moment of Zen…Monday letters
“Happy Monday. Hope between you and the numerologist you had a good weekend.” - A Monday letter, 1980.
Today is my mother’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom). Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. She has always been one of the good ones. When we kids (all in our sixties now) were ready to fledge and didn’t know it, she booted us out of the nest. Then she found new ways of being in our lives and new ways to live her own. She did one thing that helped all of us navigate the new territory that opened up post-nest: she wrote weekly letters. I’ve shared this one before — it’s become an annual tradition of sorts — but if you missed it or just want to see what long-distance love can look like, click on the photo below or just click here: “Monday Letters.”
Calling for Your Contribution to “Moment of Zen”
What is YOUR moment of Zen? Send me your photos, a video, a drawing, a song, a poem, or anything with a visual that moved you, thrilled you, calmed you. Or just cracked you up. This feature is wide open for your own personal interpretation.
Come on, go through your photos, your memories or just keep your eyes and ears to the ground and then share. Send your photos/links, etc. to me by replying to this email or simply by sending to: elizabethmarro@substack.com. The main guidelines are probably already obvious: don’t hurt anyone -- don’t send anything that violates the privacy of someone you love or even someone you hate, don’t send anything divisive, or aimed at disparaging others. Our Zen moments are to help us connect, to bond, to learn, to wonder, to share -- to escape the world for a little bit and return refreshed.
I can’t wait to see what you send!
And remember,If you like what you see or it resonates with you, please share Spark with a friend and take a minute to click the heart ❤️ below - it helps more folks to find us!
Love this post!
"It was only after my son left that I let myself face the truth head on: I had been hiding my lack of confidence beneath the mantle of motherhood." I've thought about this a lot, wondering to what extent I hid myself in mothering. To be fair, I was consumed with the task (four kids), but I didn't start writing or doing yoga or anything very ME oriented until they were grown. (And I still have one unfledged bird, grown but not yet flown - a complicating factor.) There are so many ways to mother (still not sure about that word as a verb), so many versions of family. How to find ourselves in it, is the question.
All of Marilyn Johnson's books look fascinating, thanks for the rec! And I just love those Monday letters - your mom seems like a real winner.
Marvelous self-insight - and writing. This passage needs to be included in a book, please.