I, too struggle with the idea of whether some loves are inherently bigger or not. I like Sara's comment regarding influence, but of course that word now comes with the baggage of being linked with Instagram and other social media influencers.
Certainly the excellent Braiding Sweetgrass is a call to arms for us all to influence the lives around us to help support and defend our planet, and what could be bigger than that?
I am rewriting and reworking my own memoir this month, as I finally have a contract with a small publisher for it. I've been told for years, by strangers and friends that my story (traveling thousands of miles on a small sailboat in Mexico during my first two years of marriage) was "worth telling"...Naturally, I wonder daily if anyone will care, and if there's anything to be learned from the pages. Is my life "big" enough to consider it worth sharing? Can a life's importance ever be measured by anyone or anything except those left behind in its wake? (And, judging by the last decade or so of our society trying to find or bringing to light so many stories of people previously ignored by history, is that expectation even any sort of a ruler?)
I don't have any answers, but I suspect that those left behind in my eventual passing will be relatively small in number, as I never had children. That's one reason that "society" or "history" may judge my life as smaller than others, I assume. (As a small press and now freelance editor I have helped birth many a book, but I now see how different that is from the joy and terror of your own book being brought into the world, so that makes me ponder.)
Obviously this post struck a chord! I predict that I and others will be following along with future comments avidly.
Congratulations Jennifer. That is amazing! Have you read Amy Kraus Rosenthal’s Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life? It’s a beautiful reminder that we all have a story. Natalie Goldberg addresses this too in many of her books. In my memoir classes, we talk about how everyone has a story. It is so cool that you are being given the opportunity to publish yours. Also, a month? That’s such a short amount of time. Is the goal to be finished by the end of the month?☺️
I wrote a reply about the time factor which I think disappeared, but anyway, I am only on the first pass of revision after getting my editor's notes. All is well and the deadline helps me focus!
I've been reflecting on your comment here and those of others, Jen, and I find myself thinking that it may not be the people we've left behind that form a possible measure of one life's impact but the number of people whose lives we have touched and who have touched ours. We can't always know what we leave in our wake. As for how history or society judges these things, that's another whole question. I appreciate your observation about society bringing to light now so many who have been ignored by recorded history in the past.
So many big and small things to consider. I don’t think I want to live a big or small life. My mom told me the other day that she is content - I loved that. I want to live a full life with gratitude. I also recognize how privileged my life is and I feel like it’s important to think about how we as a society do not have a system that allows all individuals to lead their fullest lives. I think Braiding Sweetgrass speaks to the concept of living with gratitude. Her father pours coffee into the ground to say thank you before consuming. Harvesting is sustainable. Gifts are reciprocal. It’s a recipe for a good life. It’s also a call to change the way we as a society live. Someone posed a question to me the other day about how that book is received by Indigenous readers. If anyone has thoughts or discussion on that, I am curious. It speaks to me, and it spoke to many of the teachers that I did a book club with on it. My students struggle with it a bit. I’m curious how it speaks to others.
As I read Braiding Sweetgrass, Mary, I have been pondering the concept of gifts in a whole new light. The reciprocity found in nature is something Kimmerer is asking us to reflect on further and it seems a good thing. We are imbalanced and that imbalance has been hurting us. all but not all equally.
I love this question. My first instinct at someone saying they have a big life is to squirm. It feels like something you don’t say about yourself.
But then I think about how, really, we all have big lives if what we mean by “big” is that we all have more and wider influence for good or ill than we think.
Braiding Sweetgrass is one of my favorite books of all time, and in it, she helps the reader to see how much we humans impact the more-than-human world. When I hear your big life question, I first think about resumes and accomplishments, but Kimmerer brings your focus to right under your feet, and in so doing, makes me think that we all have big lives and a responsibility to use them for as much goodness as we can.
I squirmed too. I felt affronted by the whole idea that someone could claim to live a bigger life than another person. But then it has forced me to think about what living fully might mean and there are so many different meanings. I've appreciated the response to this post because it has helped me think more deeply.
No this is just the first pass, in which I was given six weeks to incorporate the editors changes and flesh out some sections she thought needed more life in them. Show don't tell, as I have told my client-authors a million times, hahaha. I am working diligently but still consumed by anxiety...sigh.
I can't wait to read your memoir, Jen. I'm interested in how your experience as an author contrasts with your experience as an editor. There is also the question of who edits the editor!
Thank you for this. I relate to both Annette and Robert Howard AKA Kevin. I to have medical issues, often leaving me housebound. Books have allowed me to step outside. I enjoyed both reading your post, and the comments/responses. I’ve learned quite a bit from people who never left their town, to people who’ve traveled the world. Everyone has a story to tell, if others would take the time to listen. Thus, the benefits of books. Lily is in my thoughts.
Thank you everyone for putting a good start to Saturday.
Thanks for the kind thoughts about Lily, Kevin, and thanks for adding your insights here. For me, books have always been a path to the outside world as well as the inner world. I think what you said about everyone having a story to tell is exactly right. Janice, further down in the comments, shares that as well based on her experience as a hospice nurse. I wish you well with your medical issues and with your reading. Good to see you here!
My life sadly has become very small . I have a chronic illness that does not allow for much activity at all . So my world has shrunk . If not for my love of reading and a fairly happy disposition most times , I think it would be a small tragedy ( no partner , no kids , friends fallen to the wayside ) . Books and articles like this one expand my world and for that I am eternally grateful .
Annette, it is a gift to be blessed with something you love to do and a "fairly happy disposition." It is a gift to us for you to share your experience and insights here. Chronic illness can be a harsh teacher and a difficult burden that arrives courtesy of life's lottery. I'm glad you've found a few folks here who understand what it is like.
Annette, I have Ideopathic pulmonary fibrosis, which makes planning ahead difficult, but I still do because every day I hope I will be okay and I get lucky more times than not. Today I have made a white tin loaf and a sugar free bun loaf (I am allergic to bran) which will be frozen tomorrow and eaten over the next week. I’m not into big or small lives. Life sucks for all too many quite unfairly. For the record you are someone special for having the courage to write you have. With luck, this time next week you will have a few new friends thanks to Betsy and Spark. Regards Robert 🐰 P.S. Maybe a future Spark theme? - How one-off book encounters can make us friends for life...
Thank you, Robert. Love the idea for a future SPARK theme! I will be back to you on that. I'm so glad you are finding connections here and that others are finding you. Thank you for writing so kindly and insightfully.
Robert/ Kevin , your reply has definitely made my day ! And to think just reading Betsy’s wonderful article had already made it great - now it is doubly so . Yes , friends for life would be grand as you are special and full of courage as well . Reading about your loaf baking has me craving bread now by the way :)
Annette, really pleased to help lift you. Bread making is relaxing and easy with the help of a bread machine to make to dough, which I then take out and place in a bread tin (or make rolls/buns).* I will post something on my substack page (paperbag stories) in a couple of weeks. A wedding coming up two weeks today and cake boxes to make at the request of the bride (our daughter) over the next 10 days. Who knows, perhaps we could Zoom making a bun loaf? There’s a thought. No experts. Just us. Regards Robert 🐰
P.S. I have yet to make up my mind whether my sandwich for tea will be made with a strong local hard cheese called ‘Lincolnshire Poacher’ or simply butter and toast. Undoubtedly the biggest decision I will make today!
NOTE.* Sadly, too many bread makers are very snobby and actually try to turn the everyday into something special - as if it is a great art. It isn’t. For my nanna and generations before her, bread making was something they did - like life itself. She would be puzzled by a question about whether her life was big or small. R.
Such a good subject! I've been working on an essay about a similar thing - what makes a life interesting enough to write about? As a lover of memoir and personal essay, I will go anywhere with you, no matter how boring, if it’s well-written. Some of my favorite writing is about the domestic, the quotidian, the meandering ways that the ordinary among us get through the days. As a writer, though, I struggle sometimes to justify all of my blah blah about a mediocre life. But life is never mediocre! Right? Ugh, you see the struggle.
Yes, I do see the struggle. I feel it. Even when writing fiction, I find myself focusing on the quotidian, the everyday-ness of life. I will cling to the idea that there are readers who will go with me as they will go with you if the writing is good. I'm looking forward to reading your essay!
Funny you should post about You’ve Got Mail because I just watched it again recently. Nora Ephron was so good at writing dialogue and I loved her books, too.
The question of lives and size and how people perceive them is something hospice patients have talked to me about over the years. A lot of older people of course and also those who are younger, but have been sick for a long time, talk about how their world got smaller, but that it had more depth. I think it means they allowed themselves to be vulnerable and let people in. Because they talk a lot about people. In the end, it is always people, pets and memories I hear about. And most memories involve people and relationships both good and bad.
A lot of hospice nurses I have known had a quote they liked by Hunter S. Thompson. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow, What a ride!”
I think they liked this quote because we see so many who say they tiptoed around their lives always thinking they had more time, or others, who had plenty of time, end of life nearing 100, but had many regrets of always playing it safe. Not taking risks. Some define this as keeping their lives small. It’s funny but when I meet them and hear about their lives, I’m always awestruck, because everyone’s life is so interesting to me. What they defined as small wasn’t small at all. At least not to me. It seemed they lived a pretty big life but they were always looking out and beyond, hoping to try this or that. Seeing someone else doing something and thinking, I wish I could do that or be that. I think it’s pretty common. And sometimes it does lead to a life full of discontent.
It’s hard to strike the perfect balance in life. I think just being content is the ticket. By the way, I never loved the Hunter S. Thompson quote. One of my favorite quotes about life is from a book I loved in my twenties by Betty Smith, Joy In The Morning. I loved the simplicity of the main character Annie Brown. The quote I like is this:
“What is the difference between happiness and contentment?”
“Well, happy is like when somebody gives you a big hunk of something wonderful and it’s too big to hold. So you pull off a piece from time to time to hold in your hand. That’s being contented.”
Anyway, great post. It really made me think. Great posts do that.
A book I finished recently was Lessons In Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus. Excellent read. I loved it.
I also read a book called Stone Maidens by Lloyd Devereux Richards. I had read about it due to a TikTok that his daughter posted saying she wished people would read her dad’s book. Well, the video went viral and I thought, I’ll check it out even though I never read this genre and I could not put the book down! It was really good. So this gentleman’s life suddenly got super big due to this. Plus he’s a good writer. People just didn’t know.
This is a lovely response and filled with things to think about, Janice, thank you. I have always liked the Thompson quote but I can also see the value and loveliness in the Betty Smith quote about happiness and contentment. I think the message central in both is to use the life we are given well, whatever that may mean.
Great post. Definitely made me want to re-read (or listen to, which is what I am currently doing with old favorites) the Brodie books. As for the question of big or small lives, I think of myself as being a rather outsized person in what others might see as a small life. I've known what I wanted with my life since I was young, pretty much did it, (professional historian, now in retirement a indie author with over 30 books), I have been with the same partner for over 50 years, have only traveled outside the country once in my 70+ years. Despite being a flower child of the 60s, never did drugs, etc. Yet I've never felt confined, never felt I had to make myself small to fit in, pretty much have done exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. And now that I am confined to my home with age related issues (except for a daily walk), through daily posts where I reach out to a large community of people who have read my books, and daily phone calls where I am of service to friends and family, I feel as if I make a big difference in some other people's lives. So, exactly the size of life that makes me happy and content.
That is an interesting perspective, Mary Louisa, to be an "outsized person in what others might see as a small life." Again, it comes down to who is doing the measuring and what they are using for a yardstick. You have done what you want to do, the way you wanted to do it and have never felt confined. You have filled it up pretty full, it seems to me.
To be honest, I’m a bit put off by someone saying they have a big life. Is that code for wealth, travel and possessions or does it mean depth? I personally rate value more in terms of depth than breadth. But that being said, I do feel I live a ‘smaller’ life in retirement. Clearly my decisions no longer impact others in the same way. No staff waiting for direction…dropping the unsolved issues at my door. Children, now adults, who love me but do not need me to navigate the world. It’s a more peaceful stretch with much less stress and minimal anxiety. Still there are days when I feel the urge to make life bigger by committing to more outside myself. But so far the urge is quickly submerged by a good book, an interesting discussion, a day out with friends, time to read the paper slowly over coffee. I guess I haven’t yet resolved how big I want life to be at this stage. Very interesting question though….
I think that lack of clarity around the definition of a "big" life is exactly what affronted me when I first encountered the concept. It seemed then to suggest something about busy-ness, accomplishments, the number of boxes that a person could check off. But most of the folks answering here, including you, are not limited by that idea at all. Depth is key. It is also interesting that you find yourself at a crossroads and patiently observing and taking your pulse as you contemplate "doing more" versus doing what is important to you. Leaving the question open is a chance to explore.
I really resonated with Ellen‘s comments so much. I am also in a period of transition. Our foster son returned home to his biological family after living with us for almost 2 years, I have time in my life in a way that I haven’t had before. I was thinking about doing volunteer work the other day. As I was contemplating Ellens words, I reminded myself that I am a full-time teacher with two kids in middle school and high school, and I am trying to get my writing off the ground which is a goal I have had since I can remember having goals. I need to be intentional about how I fill the space.
First, I'm very sorry to hear that Lily has to undergo further treatment. May it go well for all of you. Second, who measures their lives? I've never given it a thought, and personally, I don't think it's that important. When it comes to the trunk, what do we put into it? As for me, I've had a ton of experiences, both good and bad. But does that make my life big? I've lived in seven states (a couple of them more than once), traveled on three continents, traveled to 48 states (missed Delaware and Rhode Island), multiple countries. But does that make my life big? So many others have traveled more, lived in more countries, more states. I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I don't consider them "big." Big to be would be the genius prize, a nobel prize, the Pulitzer. Big would be solving world hunger, world peace, world housing. So I guess I'm saying my life is smallish, but wouldn't fit into a paper bag.
I finished "Horse" by Geraldine Brooks this week, and I recommend it to everyone unless you can't stand multiple points of view, or different points in time. Personally, I think Brooks handles these changes seamlessly, and I loved loved loved the book.
Currently reading "The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man: A Memoir" about Paul Newman. I'm enjoying it so far (more than halfway through).
I think experiences go a long way to assessing a life. Perhaps it matters less what the experiences are or where they take place (confined spaces, open spaces, on the road, etc) that where they take you. I doubt anyone would argue that winners of prizes live bigger lives than others. Accomplishments that are so tangible and that touch a lot of others are big. Still, I would be curious to know if any of these ever reflected on how complete or big/small their lives seemed to them?
I, too struggle with the idea of whether some loves are inherently bigger or not. I like Sara's comment regarding influence, but of course that word now comes with the baggage of being linked with Instagram and other social media influencers.
Certainly the excellent Braiding Sweetgrass is a call to arms for us all to influence the lives around us to help support and defend our planet, and what could be bigger than that?
I am rewriting and reworking my own memoir this month, as I finally have a contract with a small publisher for it. I've been told for years, by strangers and friends that my story (traveling thousands of miles on a small sailboat in Mexico during my first two years of marriage) was "worth telling"...Naturally, I wonder daily if anyone will care, and if there's anything to be learned from the pages. Is my life "big" enough to consider it worth sharing? Can a life's importance ever be measured by anyone or anything except those left behind in its wake? (And, judging by the last decade or so of our society trying to find or bringing to light so many stories of people previously ignored by history, is that expectation even any sort of a ruler?)
I don't have any answers, but I suspect that those left behind in my eventual passing will be relatively small in number, as I never had children. That's one reason that "society" or "history" may judge my life as smaller than others, I assume. (As a small press and now freelance editor I have helped birth many a book, but I now see how different that is from the joy and terror of your own book being brought into the world, so that makes me ponder.)
Obviously this post struck a chord! I predict that I and others will be following along with future comments avidly.
Congratulations Jennifer. That is amazing! Have you read Amy Kraus Rosenthal’s Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life? It’s a beautiful reminder that we all have a story. Natalie Goldberg addresses this too in many of her books. In my memoir classes, we talk about how everyone has a story. It is so cool that you are being given the opportunity to publish yours. Also, a month? That’s such a short amount of time. Is the goal to be finished by the end of the month?☺️
I wrote a reply about the time factor which I think disappeared, but anyway, I am only on the first pass of revision after getting my editor's notes. All is well and the deadline helps me focus!
I'll look for that book.
I've been reflecting on your comment here and those of others, Jen, and I find myself thinking that it may not be the people we've left behind that form a possible measure of one life's impact but the number of people whose lives we have touched and who have touched ours. We can't always know what we leave in our wake. As for how history or society judges these things, that's another whole question. I appreciate your observation about society bringing to light now so many who have been ignored by recorded history in the past.
So many big and small things to consider. I don’t think I want to live a big or small life. My mom told me the other day that she is content - I loved that. I want to live a full life with gratitude. I also recognize how privileged my life is and I feel like it’s important to think about how we as a society do not have a system that allows all individuals to lead their fullest lives. I think Braiding Sweetgrass speaks to the concept of living with gratitude. Her father pours coffee into the ground to say thank you before consuming. Harvesting is sustainable. Gifts are reciprocal. It’s a recipe for a good life. It’s also a call to change the way we as a society live. Someone posed a question to me the other day about how that book is received by Indigenous readers. If anyone has thoughts or discussion on that, I am curious. It speaks to me, and it spoke to many of the teachers that I did a book club with on it. My students struggle with it a bit. I’m curious how it speaks to others.
As I read Braiding Sweetgrass, Mary, I have been pondering the concept of gifts in a whole new light. The reciprocity found in nature is something Kimmerer is asking us to reflect on further and it seems a good thing. We are imbalanced and that imbalance has been hurting us. all but not all equally.
I love the way she writes about gifts and reciprocity
I love this question. My first instinct at someone saying they have a big life is to squirm. It feels like something you don’t say about yourself.
But then I think about how, really, we all have big lives if what we mean by “big” is that we all have more and wider influence for good or ill than we think.
Braiding Sweetgrass is one of my favorite books of all time, and in it, she helps the reader to see how much we humans impact the more-than-human world. When I hear your big life question, I first think about resumes and accomplishments, but Kimmerer brings your focus to right under your feet, and in so doing, makes me think that we all have big lives and a responsibility to use them for as much goodness as we can.
I squirmed too. I felt affronted by the whole idea that someone could claim to live a bigger life than another person. But then it has forced me to think about what living fully might mean and there are so many different meanings. I've appreciated the response to this post because it has helped me think more deeply.
No this is just the first pass, in which I was given six weeks to incorporate the editors changes and flesh out some sections she thought needed more life in them. Show don't tell, as I have told my client-authors a million times, hahaha. I am working diligently but still consumed by anxiety...sigh.
Kind of funny right how we want something so bad, then we get it, then we move straight into panic- anxiety. Oh, to be human.
I can't wait to read your memoir, Jen. I'm interested in how your experience as an author contrasts with your experience as an editor. There is also the question of who edits the editor!
Thank you for this. I relate to both Annette and Robert Howard AKA Kevin. I to have medical issues, often leaving me housebound. Books have allowed me to step outside. I enjoyed both reading your post, and the comments/responses. I’ve learned quite a bit from people who never left their town, to people who’ve traveled the world. Everyone has a story to tell, if others would take the time to listen. Thus, the benefits of books. Lily is in my thoughts.
Thank you everyone for putting a good start to Saturday.
Thanks for the kind thoughts about Lily, Kevin, and thanks for adding your insights here. For me, books have always been a path to the outside world as well as the inner world. I think what you said about everyone having a story to tell is exactly right. Janice, further down in the comments, shares that as well based on her experience as a hospice nurse. I wish you well with your medical issues and with your reading. Good to see you here!
My life sadly has become very small . I have a chronic illness that does not allow for much activity at all . So my world has shrunk . If not for my love of reading and a fairly happy disposition most times , I think it would be a small tragedy ( no partner , no kids , friends fallen to the wayside ) . Books and articles like this one expand my world and for that I am eternally grateful .
Annette, it is a gift to be blessed with something you love to do and a "fairly happy disposition." It is a gift to us for you to share your experience and insights here. Chronic illness can be a harsh teacher and a difficult burden that arrives courtesy of life's lottery. I'm glad you've found a few folks here who understand what it is like.
Yea , it’s wonderful . Quite loved your article and look forward to reading more from you :)
Annette, I have Ideopathic pulmonary fibrosis, which makes planning ahead difficult, but I still do because every day I hope I will be okay and I get lucky more times than not. Today I have made a white tin loaf and a sugar free bun loaf (I am allergic to bran) which will be frozen tomorrow and eaten over the next week. I’m not into big or small lives. Life sucks for all too many quite unfairly. For the record you are someone special for having the courage to write you have. With luck, this time next week you will have a few new friends thanks to Betsy and Spark. Regards Robert 🐰 P.S. Maybe a future Spark theme? - How one-off book encounters can make us friends for life...
Thank you, Robert. Love the idea for a future SPARK theme! I will be back to you on that. I'm so glad you are finding connections here and that others are finding you. Thank you for writing so kindly and insightfully.
Robert/ Kevin , your reply has definitely made my day ! And to think just reading Betsy’s wonderful article had already made it great - now it is doubly so . Yes , friends for life would be grand as you are special and full of courage as well . Reading about your loaf baking has me craving bread now by the way :)
Annette, really pleased to help lift you. Bread making is relaxing and easy with the help of a bread machine to make to dough, which I then take out and place in a bread tin (or make rolls/buns).* I will post something on my substack page (paperbag stories) in a couple of weeks. A wedding coming up two weeks today and cake boxes to make at the request of the bride (our daughter) over the next 10 days. Who knows, perhaps we could Zoom making a bun loaf? There’s a thought. No experts. Just us. Regards Robert 🐰
P.S. I have yet to make up my mind whether my sandwich for tea will be made with a strong local hard cheese called ‘Lincolnshire Poacher’ or simply butter and toast. Undoubtedly the biggest decision I will make today!
NOTE.* Sadly, too many bread makers are very snobby and actually try to turn the everyday into something special - as if it is a great art. It isn’t. For my nanna and generations before her, bread making was something they did - like life itself. She would be puzzled by a question about whether her life was big or small. R.
Hi Robert !
Did you go for the strong cheese as part of your lunch on Saturday ? I think I would have :)
Fresh bread ( and definitely no need for fancification -my made up word for the day - as you say ) would be wonderful which ever you chose .
Cheers Annette ( Netty )
Annette, I am so glad you are seeking community here. Thanks for sharing your story.
Yes , it’s quite a nice surprise . I am now following you and look forward to reading your many pockets full of prose :)
I am so glad you joined the pocketful of prose community. I look forward to many good conversations.😊
Also rooting for Lily and sending you strength and...can that birdhouse go outside and if so, where can I learn to make one?
Such a good subject! I've been working on an essay about a similar thing - what makes a life interesting enough to write about? As a lover of memoir and personal essay, I will go anywhere with you, no matter how boring, if it’s well-written. Some of my favorite writing is about the domestic, the quotidian, the meandering ways that the ordinary among us get through the days. As a writer, though, I struggle sometimes to justify all of my blah blah about a mediocre life. But life is never mediocre! Right? Ugh, you see the struggle.
Yes, I do see the struggle. I feel it. Even when writing fiction, I find myself focusing on the quotidian, the everyday-ness of life. I will cling to the idea that there are readers who will go with me as they will go with you if the writing is good. I'm looking forward to reading your essay!
Praying for Lily ❤️ She’s beautiful.
Funny you should post about You’ve Got Mail because I just watched it again recently. Nora Ephron was so good at writing dialogue and I loved her books, too.
The question of lives and size and how people perceive them is something hospice patients have talked to me about over the years. A lot of older people of course and also those who are younger, but have been sick for a long time, talk about how their world got smaller, but that it had more depth. I think it means they allowed themselves to be vulnerable and let people in. Because they talk a lot about people. In the end, it is always people, pets and memories I hear about. And most memories involve people and relationships both good and bad.
A lot of hospice nurses I have known had a quote they liked by Hunter S. Thompson. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow, What a ride!”
I think they liked this quote because we see so many who say they tiptoed around their lives always thinking they had more time, or others, who had plenty of time, end of life nearing 100, but had many regrets of always playing it safe. Not taking risks. Some define this as keeping their lives small. It’s funny but when I meet them and hear about their lives, I’m always awestruck, because everyone’s life is so interesting to me. What they defined as small wasn’t small at all. At least not to me. It seemed they lived a pretty big life but they were always looking out and beyond, hoping to try this or that. Seeing someone else doing something and thinking, I wish I could do that or be that. I think it’s pretty common. And sometimes it does lead to a life full of discontent.
It’s hard to strike the perfect balance in life. I think just being content is the ticket. By the way, I never loved the Hunter S. Thompson quote. One of my favorite quotes about life is from a book I loved in my twenties by Betty Smith, Joy In The Morning. I loved the simplicity of the main character Annie Brown. The quote I like is this:
“What is the difference between happiness and contentment?”
“Well, happy is like when somebody gives you a big hunk of something wonderful and it’s too big to hold. So you pull off a piece from time to time to hold in your hand. That’s being contented.”
Anyway, great post. It really made me think. Great posts do that.
A book I finished recently was Lessons In Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus. Excellent read. I loved it.
I also read a book called Stone Maidens by Lloyd Devereux Richards. I had read about it due to a TikTok that his daughter posted saying she wished people would read her dad’s book. Well, the video went viral and I thought, I’ll check it out even though I never read this genre and I could not put the book down! It was really good. So this gentleman’s life suddenly got super big due to this. Plus he’s a good writer. People just didn’t know.
Life is funny that way.
This is a lovely response and filled with things to think about, Janice, thank you. I have always liked the Thompson quote but I can also see the value and loveliness in the Betty Smith quote about happiness and contentment. I think the message central in both is to use the life we are given well, whatever that may mean.
And thanks for the book recs!!!!
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I like your quote better too.
Great post. Definitely made me want to re-read (or listen to, which is what I am currently doing with old favorites) the Brodie books. As for the question of big or small lives, I think of myself as being a rather outsized person in what others might see as a small life. I've known what I wanted with my life since I was young, pretty much did it, (professional historian, now in retirement a indie author with over 30 books), I have been with the same partner for over 50 years, have only traveled outside the country once in my 70+ years. Despite being a flower child of the 60s, never did drugs, etc. Yet I've never felt confined, never felt I had to make myself small to fit in, pretty much have done exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. And now that I am confined to my home with age related issues (except for a daily walk), through daily posts where I reach out to a large community of people who have read my books, and daily phone calls where I am of service to friends and family, I feel as if I make a big difference in some other people's lives. So, exactly the size of life that makes me happy and content.
That is an interesting perspective, Mary Louisa, to be an "outsized person in what others might see as a small life." Again, it comes down to who is doing the measuring and what they are using for a yardstick. You have done what you want to do, the way you wanted to do it and have never felt confined. You have filled it up pretty full, it seems to me.
To be honest, I’m a bit put off by someone saying they have a big life. Is that code for wealth, travel and possessions or does it mean depth? I personally rate value more in terms of depth than breadth. But that being said, I do feel I live a ‘smaller’ life in retirement. Clearly my decisions no longer impact others in the same way. No staff waiting for direction…dropping the unsolved issues at my door. Children, now adults, who love me but do not need me to navigate the world. It’s a more peaceful stretch with much less stress and minimal anxiety. Still there are days when I feel the urge to make life bigger by committing to more outside myself. But so far the urge is quickly submerged by a good book, an interesting discussion, a day out with friends, time to read the paper slowly over coffee. I guess I haven’t yet resolved how big I want life to be at this stage. Very interesting question though….
Ellen,
I appreciate your resistance to fill the space and choosing to lean into things you love instead. Wise!
I think that lack of clarity around the definition of a "big" life is exactly what affronted me when I first encountered the concept. It seemed then to suggest something about busy-ness, accomplishments, the number of boxes that a person could check off. But most of the folks answering here, including you, are not limited by that idea at all. Depth is key. It is also interesting that you find yourself at a crossroads and patiently observing and taking your pulse as you contemplate "doing more" versus doing what is important to you. Leaving the question open is a chance to explore.
I really resonated with Ellen‘s comments so much. I am also in a period of transition. Our foster son returned home to his biological family after living with us for almost 2 years, I have time in my life in a way that I haven’t had before. I was thinking about doing volunteer work the other day. As I was contemplating Ellens words, I reminded myself that I am a full-time teacher with two kids in middle school and high school, and I am trying to get my writing off the ground which is a goal I have had since I can remember having goals. I need to be intentional about how I fill the space.
I have never given any thought to the concept of a big or small life. I would say my life is just the right size for me.
That's wonderful, Kathy. What a great thing to feel and be able to say!
First, I'm very sorry to hear that Lily has to undergo further treatment. May it go well for all of you. Second, who measures their lives? I've never given it a thought, and personally, I don't think it's that important. When it comes to the trunk, what do we put into it? As for me, I've had a ton of experiences, both good and bad. But does that make my life big? I've lived in seven states (a couple of them more than once), traveled on three continents, traveled to 48 states (missed Delaware and Rhode Island), multiple countries. But does that make my life big? So many others have traveled more, lived in more countries, more states. I'm proud of my accomplishments, but I don't consider them "big." Big to be would be the genius prize, a nobel prize, the Pulitzer. Big would be solving world hunger, world peace, world housing. So I guess I'm saying my life is smallish, but wouldn't fit into a paper bag.
I finished "Horse" by Geraldine Brooks this week, and I recommend it to everyone unless you can't stand multiple points of view, or different points in time. Personally, I think Brooks handles these changes seamlessly, and I loved loved loved the book.
Currently reading "The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man: A Memoir" about Paul Newman. I'm enjoying it so far (more than halfway through).
I think experiences go a long way to assessing a life. Perhaps it matters less what the experiences are or where they take place (confined spaces, open spaces, on the road, etc) that where they take you. I doubt anyone would argue that winners of prizes live bigger lives than others. Accomplishments that are so tangible and that touch a lot of others are big. Still, I would be curious to know if any of these ever reflected on how complete or big/small their lives seemed to them?
Great post, Elizabeth, lots to think about.
Thanks, Jolene!
So true... Thanks for the encouragement!
HERE IS A HAIKU
SPARKLING ( R.R)
YOU ARRIVE SO ALIVE
THE FULL MOON'S ASTONISHED.
A GLOW CLAIMS THE WORLD.