Who knew that the incredible annoyances of my sibling would one day grow to a gift? I am grateful for the sister (an unbelievable slob I had to shared a room with) I resented and disagreed with on everything. We were born 18 months apart, but our personalities could not have been different. Today we are in our 70's and the love we share is remarkable. She can make me laugh like no one else and we share family memories. She is in a unique position - of having known me the longest in my life. I cannot imagine a path forward without her.
This resonates deeply with me. I still remember the fighting and the disagreements I had with both my sisters but only as something for us to laugh at now. We do a lot more laughing these days. I don't want to think of a path forward without that.
Three sisters...and then, ten years later a fourth. All girls and all so different. My youngest--the one who is ten years younger is now the closest; the one who is just 18 months old than me and was my best friend all those young years is now not as close. Our oldest sister, gone now. We all tell the same story, but each one is different. Thanks, Betsy.
I can’t imagine my life without the love and support of my siblings but at the age of 71 also aware and so grateful for the richness and love they all bring to not only my life but my grown children and grandsons.
The older I get, the more grateful I am too. My son didn't only have me, he had uncles and aunts (lots of them) witu whom he remains close to this day.
While I don’t think I wanted more siblings (I only grew up with one) as one of four, I would have liked to have more children. While I thought it good for my daughter to have a sibling, it’s actually her little brother who needs the constant company of another. She’s not willing to bite so he’s often stuck listless. Having children is not easy, though. There is the strain on the body, the lack of time and funds, and the space.
I hear about the feral childhoods of people in past decades and I don’t feel that’s possible today, but also, there’s no safety nets so I can be home to mother these children. It’s a mix of things. I hope that people some day have the freedom to have as little or as many as they choose with the space and time to enjoy it.
I get this. I don't know that I'd be brave enough to have even one child if I were making the decision today. And I barely scraped by financially with one child. My safety net was the large family I came from. They all helped.
Another lovely, thought-provoking essay, Betsy. I’m from a pack of 8 (5 girls, 3 boys)…and so thankful that I have meaningful & evolving relationships with most of my siblings. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
I'm from a pack of three littermates. My husband is considered an only child since his brother is 15 years older and was already out of the house and off to college by the time Little Rusty can recall.
I definitely see the results of being an only. One is that he eats really slowly, which doesn't work if you're in a pack. My brothers would eat their 4 cookies and then ask me to share mine as I had 3 left. I always did.
Slow eaters would not have made it far in our house. This is probably why people like your husband enjoy healthier digestion. I once read that I should chew each bite 50 times. I tried this for a week when I was in high school. We could not have seconds until our plates were clean so I felt like the slow-moving wildebeest chased by a pack of hyenas .
I was on only child with two half siblings who never lived with me, only visited for too-short a time each summer. My mother remembers these few weeks as a burden, I remember them as precious, the lifeblood of my young years, waiting so impatiently for summer and their visit to arrive. I am very close to my sister now, at 50 and feel so blessed by that. I also know I was very lonely as a child. But just because you have a sibling doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t feel alone. So it’s hard for me to say if I would have wanted it to be different.
It's true, just because you have a sibling or siblings doesn't mean you will not feel alone. It sounds as though things worked out for you and your sister in the best possible way. I wonder have you read Ann Patchett's novel, "Commonwealth?" That captures the connections and distance that comes with being steps or half siblings who visit but don't stay.
I haven't read it, but now I will! Thanks for the recommend. Things did work out in such a wonderful way for my sister and me. I feel very lucky and grateful.
My dad was an only child. I never even realized it until we were older lol. My mom was one of seven. Her youngest brother became my dad’s best friend and basically his brother, too. Our daughter is an only child. I am one of two, my husband one of five. No one is any different than anyone else. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Experiences are different for everyone. Did my daughter have advantages being just one? You bet. Did she have disadvantages? Of course. Did I fret about it? YES. Fate and my inability to have more kids made me sad, but we persevered and my daughter is everything. She could be spoiled but she’s happy and well adjusted too. She knows how to make friends. She knows how to be alone. A sibling is great and I so wished she had one, especially now as we get older. I had also wished I had a sister, but my brother is great (mostly lol) and I have two fabulous sister-in-laws from my husband’s side. Our daughter has tons of extended family and cousins and we make a point of staying closely connected. I have my very first grandnephew! Connection is the key. And no drama. It’s work, but it’s so worth it. As we age, it becomes gold. I will always stay a kin-keeper because it is vital. We just went on a multi-generational cruise with 24 family members. It was amazing and we will do it again soon. Highly recommend.
Connection is indeed the key, no matter how many it how few siblings or kids we have. That cruise sounds interesting and fun. You all pretty much have each other fir the duration, there's no jumping off!
In my book Lauren Hough would play the part of a wind-up merchant, not to be taken seriously. Doing a quick count, I know more siblings who have drifted apart than have got closer. Shared grandparents play a part in this in my experience and it is when they go siblings often drift apart. And together in old age siblings become big kids again. I lie of course. And when parents divorce, the more likely are their offspring to choose sides. It’s called ‘Dividing the spoils’. My daughter has me. Her brother his mother, though I have always had his son and ex. My crime? Sticking to a simple rule I have. Never take sides when it comes to family. As someone once said ‘Families? Who’d have them?’
P.S. Betsy, I look forward to reading the novel and finding out who is the last one standing.
I'm not exactly sure what a wind up merchant is! That said, Lauren has mastered the art of writing provocatively and with heart. She knows she's only looking at one slice of the entire family pie. She got me thinking abd that's what I love.
Yes, there is always a delicate balance. Neutrality in families is an art. My middle sister is "Switzerland" -- the person we all count on when things get a little turbulent.
You are as good as right in understanding what a ‘wind up merchant’ is. There is an element of teasing too. I’m sure Lauren Hough would be good company. 🐰
The passage from Lauren Hough got me a little weepy as I read it aloud to my husband. We both have just one sibling -- mine a brother, his a sister -- and I’ve been thinking lately how special it is to have someone you’re tied to your whole life. The endless inside jokes from decades of living side-by-side, the knowledge that you may not have made it out alive without your other half.
I find that the older I've gotten this matters more and more, the presence of someone who knows without being told not only the inside jokes but pretty much everything. I love Lauren's work.
I'm lucky to have the sister I dreamed of as a wee child. I didn't want to be an only child. And yet, both of my children were raised as only children. My son was kidnapped by his father at age 5 and raised as an only child. My daughter (born 3 years after the kidnapping to a different father) was an only child as well. I'm lucky to have her too.
My daughter is an only child and I do feel bad about the fact that she doesn’t have siblings, especially when all her parents are gone someday. But she does have a group of fiends who she’s known since they were all in preschool together and they’re in their early twenties now and still friends. So I feel like she did have a pack, even if it looked different. She’s had falling outs with these other young women and they’ve come back together. I hope she has that for the rest of her life, a group of people who have always known each other and each other’s families.
I don’t think only children are less considerate or social or it certainly doesn’t have to be that way. But it does take some intentionality as a parent to make sure your only child knows they’re not the center of the universe.
When my son was small, he thought of himself as part of a huge clan which helped, I think. That said, he had all of us-- parents, grandparents,, eight uncles and aunts, all to himself for 11 years when the next baby came along. He definitely had to adjust! But he was among other kids from infancy on, in daycare, school, etc. He always had a pack which made me feel good.
There is definitely a sense for only children and especially only grandchildren of A LOT of adult attention focused on them.
I have to say in Lauren Hough's piece, I agreed with her conclusion--"We don’t know that our isolation is fucking killing us. It’s not funny that we’re all avoiding each other. It’s not a thing we should be bragging about or excusing with the results of a poll saying we’re an introvert. It’s a thing we need to fix." I think all of that is absolutely true, but I don't think any of that has anything to do with people being only children. I think it's just where we are culturally now. I'm not sure why.
Who knew that the incredible annoyances of my sibling would one day grow to a gift? I am grateful for the sister (an unbelievable slob I had to shared a room with) I resented and disagreed with on everything. We were born 18 months apart, but our personalities could not have been different. Today we are in our 70's and the love we share is remarkable. She can make me laugh like no one else and we share family memories. She is in a unique position - of having known me the longest in my life. I cannot imagine a path forward without her.
This resonates deeply with me. I still remember the fighting and the disagreements I had with both my sisters but only as something for us to laugh at now. We do a lot more laughing these days. I don't want to think of a path forward without that.
Three sisters...and then, ten years later a fourth. All girls and all so different. My youngest--the one who is ten years younger is now the closest; the one who is just 18 months old than me and was my best friend all those young years is now not as close. Our oldest sister, gone now. We all tell the same story, but each one is different. Thanks, Betsy.
“We all tell the same story it each one is different” beautiful.
I can’t imagine my life without the love and support of my siblings but at the age of 71 also aware and so grateful for the richness and love they all bring to not only my life but my grown children and grandsons.
The older I get, the more grateful I am too. My son didn't only have me, he had uncles and aunts (lots of them) witu whom he remains close to this day.
While I don’t think I wanted more siblings (I only grew up with one) as one of four, I would have liked to have more children. While I thought it good for my daughter to have a sibling, it’s actually her little brother who needs the constant company of another. She’s not willing to bite so he’s often stuck listless. Having children is not easy, though. There is the strain on the body, the lack of time and funds, and the space.
I hear about the feral childhoods of people in past decades and I don’t feel that’s possible today, but also, there’s no safety nets so I can be home to mother these children. It’s a mix of things. I hope that people some day have the freedom to have as little or as many as they choose with the space and time to enjoy it.
I get this. I don't know that I'd be brave enough to have even one child if I were making the decision today. And I barely scraped by financially with one child. My safety net was the large family I came from. They all helped.
Another lovely, thought-provoking essay, Betsy. I’m from a pack of 8 (5 girls, 3 boys)…and so thankful that I have meaningful & evolving relationships with most of my siblings. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
I'm from a pack of three littermates. My husband is considered an only child since his brother is 15 years older and was already out of the house and off to college by the time Little Rusty can recall.
I definitely see the results of being an only. One is that he eats really slowly, which doesn't work if you're in a pack. My brothers would eat their 4 cookies and then ask me to share mine as I had 3 left. I always did.
Slow eaters would not have made it far in our house. This is probably why people like your husband enjoy healthier digestion. I once read that I should chew each bite 50 times. I tried this for a week when I was in high school. We could not have seconds until our plates were clean so I felt like the slow-moving wildebeest chased by a pack of hyenas .
I was on only child with two half siblings who never lived with me, only visited for too-short a time each summer. My mother remembers these few weeks as a burden, I remember them as precious, the lifeblood of my young years, waiting so impatiently for summer and their visit to arrive. I am very close to my sister now, at 50 and feel so blessed by that. I also know I was very lonely as a child. But just because you have a sibling doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t feel alone. So it’s hard for me to say if I would have wanted it to be different.
It's true, just because you have a sibling or siblings doesn't mean you will not feel alone. It sounds as though things worked out for you and your sister in the best possible way. I wonder have you read Ann Patchett's novel, "Commonwealth?" That captures the connections and distance that comes with being steps or half siblings who visit but don't stay.
I haven't read it, but now I will! Thanks for the recommend. Things did work out in such a wonderful way for my sister and me. I feel very lucky and grateful.
Well said & well done Betsy
With love-✨🥀💓🌿
from one of da tribe
I love that image!
I have one child. I wanted more but…. Thank you
Those three little dots hold a lot,I'm guessing. Here's to the children we got to be and these we get to mother.
My dad was an only child. I never even realized it until we were older lol. My mom was one of seven. Her youngest brother became my dad’s best friend and basically his brother, too. Our daughter is an only child. I am one of two, my husband one of five. No one is any different than anyone else. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Experiences are different for everyone. Did my daughter have advantages being just one? You bet. Did she have disadvantages? Of course. Did I fret about it? YES. Fate and my inability to have more kids made me sad, but we persevered and my daughter is everything. She could be spoiled but she’s happy and well adjusted too. She knows how to make friends. She knows how to be alone. A sibling is great and I so wished she had one, especially now as we get older. I had also wished I had a sister, but my brother is great (mostly lol) and I have two fabulous sister-in-laws from my husband’s side. Our daughter has tons of extended family and cousins and we make a point of staying closely connected. I have my very first grandnephew! Connection is the key. And no drama. It’s work, but it’s so worth it. As we age, it becomes gold. I will always stay a kin-keeper because it is vital. We just went on a multi-generational cruise with 24 family members. It was amazing and we will do it again soon. Highly recommend.
Connection is indeed the key, no matter how many it how few siblings or kids we have. That cruise sounds interesting and fun. You all pretty much have each other fir the duration, there's no jumping off!
In my book Lauren Hough would play the part of a wind-up merchant, not to be taken seriously. Doing a quick count, I know more siblings who have drifted apart than have got closer. Shared grandparents play a part in this in my experience and it is when they go siblings often drift apart. And together in old age siblings become big kids again. I lie of course. And when parents divorce, the more likely are their offspring to choose sides. It’s called ‘Dividing the spoils’. My daughter has me. Her brother his mother, though I have always had his son and ex. My crime? Sticking to a simple rule I have. Never take sides when it comes to family. As someone once said ‘Families? Who’d have them?’
P.S. Betsy, I look forward to reading the novel and finding out who is the last one standing.
Robert 🐰
I'm not exactly sure what a wind up merchant is! That said, Lauren has mastered the art of writing provocatively and with heart. She knows she's only looking at one slice of the entire family pie. She got me thinking abd that's what I love.
Yes, there is always a delicate balance. Neutrality in families is an art. My middle sister is "Switzerland" -- the person we all count on when things get a little turbulent.
Thx for the encouragement on the novel,too!
You are as good as right in understanding what a ‘wind up merchant’ is. There is an element of teasing too. I’m sure Lauren Hough would be good company. 🐰
The passage from Lauren Hough got me a little weepy as I read it aloud to my husband. We both have just one sibling -- mine a brother, his a sister -- and I’ve been thinking lately how special it is to have someone you’re tied to your whole life. The endless inside jokes from decades of living side-by-side, the knowledge that you may not have made it out alive without your other half.
I find that the older I've gotten this matters more and more, the presence of someone who knows without being told not only the inside jokes but pretty much everything. I love Lauren's work.
I'm lucky to have the sister I dreamed of as a wee child. I didn't want to be an only child. And yet, both of my children were raised as only children. My son was kidnapped by his father at age 5 and raised as an only child. My daughter (born 3 years after the kidnapping to a different father) was an only child as well. I'm lucky to have her too.
They are lucky to have you, too, Sandra!
My daughter is an only child and I do feel bad about the fact that she doesn’t have siblings, especially when all her parents are gone someday. But she does have a group of fiends who she’s known since they were all in preschool together and they’re in their early twenties now and still friends. So I feel like she did have a pack, even if it looked different. She’s had falling outs with these other young women and they’ve come back together. I hope she has that for the rest of her life, a group of people who have always known each other and each other’s families.
I don’t think only children are less considerate or social or it certainly doesn’t have to be that way. But it does take some intentionality as a parent to make sure your only child knows they’re not the center of the universe.
When my son was small, he thought of himself as part of a huge clan which helped, I think. That said, he had all of us-- parents, grandparents,, eight uncles and aunts, all to himself for 11 years when the next baby came along. He definitely had to adjust! But he was among other kids from infancy on, in daycare, school, etc. He always had a pack which made me feel good.
There is definitely a sense for only children and especially only grandchildren of A LOT of adult attention focused on them.
I have to say in Lauren Hough's piece, I agreed with her conclusion--"We don’t know that our isolation is fucking killing us. It’s not funny that we’re all avoiding each other. It’s not a thing we should be bragging about or excusing with the results of a poll saying we’re an introvert. It’s a thing we need to fix." I think all of that is absolutely true, but I don't think any of that has anything to do with people being only children. I think it's just where we are culturally now. I'm not sure why.