A Scene from a Marriage

I blame Chris Cuomo

In this issue:

• Two anniversaries: one marks a beginning, the other marks an ending

• Novels about marriage that go beyond the obvious

• More resources for readers and writers

• A giveaway for the sixth anniversary of Casualties

Next Wednesday, February 2 is not only Groundhog Day, it’s a double anniversary for me. I married my husband 21 years ago. Six years ago, on the same day, I launched my debut novel, Casualties. The two are forever twined together for me. I am convinced that the book would not have happened without my marriage. My husband believes it would have happened anyway. It is one of the many areas of disagreement between us. 

We disagree often and sometimes loudly, usually in the morning after reading the day’s headlines and draining our individual Moka pots of espresso. You’d think we’d have learned by now that headlines plus caffeine make for a risky combination. It’s worse, though, if one has had coffee and the other has not. That’s what happened in December after my husband and I started talking about, of all things, the firing of Chris Cuomo by CNN. My husband was fueled up and raring to go. I was combing the shelves for a can of the coffee I love only to realize it was down in the garage (don’t ask). He said that the firing of Chris was done for all the wrong reasons. I disagreed. Our debate grew more heated. I told him to hold on and stormed down to the garage, retrieved a can of coffee, planning my next salvo the entire way. Then I somehow shut the door leading from the garage into the house on my index finger and did this:

This is Chris Cuomo’s fault.

Friends, it HURT. The pain throbbed for days and even now, the dried blood beneath my nail is an ugly souvenir of that morning. But when I look at it, I also remember what immediately followed: my husband blamed himself. He was full of remorse for letting things get so intense I did damage to myself. That would have been very satisfying except that he was wrong about that just as he was wrong about Chris Cuomo. I was just as much at fault.

Nevertheless, I was gracious and accepted both his apology and the hugs that followed. Chris faded into the distance. Today is the first time I’ve thought of Mr. Cuomo at all and, of course, he was not at the heart of what was going on. As anyone who has lived with another human being knows, the fight is never about what you are fighting about. That morning, we renewed our vows to avoid debates until both parties are fully awake and sitting calmly with steaming mugs of java. We made other agreements too, with each other and ourselves, that were largely wordless and based on the layers of experience built up over the decades we’ve been together – and the decades we lived before we even met. 

“No outsider ever knows the interior landscape of a marriage. It is one of the great secrets kept between couples. Whether the nature of physical and emotional intimacy in marriage goes largely unspoken out of respect and loyalty, a sense of propriety held between husbands and wives (not found between lovers), or more out of the terror of unleashing a thousand barking hounds in pursuit of a mythical fox is difficult to say.” - Terry Tempest Williams, in her foreword to Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner.

Yet the “interior landscape of marriage”  draws writers over and over. Exploring this landscape means accepting that what shows to others is only a fraction of what is going on. For many novelists, writing about marriage has also offered a way to explore the impact of society on individuals and what they try to build when they commit to another human being whether they do it in the framework of traditional marriage or not. These novels also inevitably address the tension that rises when the characters struggle between preserving the individual and preserving the union. 

In this fascinating interview, novelist Cynthia Newberry Martin who has chosen marriage as the focus for her novels both published and unpublished, talks about how she has navigated this central conflict in both her books and her life. 

I confess, I have not sought out novels or memoirs that explore marriage as a main theme. I’m thinking about why this might be and how I might change that - I suspect it has to do with the very real tension I have felt all my life about how to reconcile my own individual needs and wants with the desire to be connected with family, community, a mate. I feel sometimes that I am so close to the subject in my real life that I’m not yet ready to read deeply or write about it. 

Yet, I am curious. And there are books that have come my way that take me to the land of marriage or partnership and make me consider all those layers and striations built up over time in a relationship. A few more are on my TBR list.

If you have read a novel or a memoir that explored marriage in a way that drew you in, let me know. 

Novel Marriages

Here are a few novels I’ve read that tackle marriage as a central theme along with a quote from each book. I can’t help but notice that each of them is written by a woman. What do you suppose that means? 

An American Marriage by Tyari Jones ““Marriage is between two people. There is no studio audience.” ― Tayari Jones, An American Marriage

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng – “Dreaming of his future, he no longer heard all the things she did not say.” – Celeste Ng, Everything I Never Told You

Tidal Flats by Cynthia Newberry Martin – “The question is always love or freedom. To stay or to go.”― Cynthia Newberry Martin, Tidal Flats

The Longest Night by Andria Williams - ​​“It was no wonder really, that the mild risks Nat liked to take scared him: the long swims to clear her head, cliff jumping, diving. But he acted as if she were doing it just to spite him, when in fact it had nothing to do with him at all. Which maybe, from his perspective, was even worse.” - The Longest Night by Andrea Williams

Some of the books on my list

Here are two on my TBR List:

Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff - “Paradox of marriage: you can never know someone entirely; you do know someone entirely.” ― Lauren Groff, Fates and Furies

Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner - Two folks in the Spark community recommended this novel published in 1987. It’s a quiet novel about a long friendship between two married couples that bypasses obvious drama (infidelity, divorce) and goes deep into the decisions and love that add up to decades-long relationships. 

With Teeth by Kristen Arnett - While this is a story about the mother of a child she struggles to understand and love, it also explores the impact of this on her “picture perfect gay marriage”  to a woman who is both confident and largely absent from the daily fray until a crisis exposes the cracks in the facade. This got great reviews for its story as well as the darkly humorous and precise writing.

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Anniversaries and Time Management for Mortals

My wedding anniversary marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life that continues to unfold. The anniversary of Casualties’ launch, on the other hand, marks the end of a relationship I’d been in for ten years. It will also mark the lengthening distance between my first novel and my second. If the anniversaries share anything in common it might be that they remind me of how much trying, failing, talking, going silent, thinking, feeling, observing, noticing are required to make either a marriage or a book. They both require time, lots of it. They require us to make choices about the other things we will do with that time because we won’t come close to doing everything our imagination and desires conjure up, not even close. 

This is one of the reasons I am eager to read a book I’ve heard about now from two different people: Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. This one doesn’t sound like the usual self-help book for those who want to be more productive. Instead, it is based on the fact that if we are lucky enough to live into our eighties, we will have about 4,000 weeks of life. Then it’s over. 

Here are three quotes from the book that convinced me to read it, this week if possible. 

“mortality makes it impossible to ignore the absurdity of living solely for the future.”

“... The day will never arrive when you finally have everything under control—when the flood of emails has been contained; when your to-do lists have stopped getting longer; when you’re meeting all your obligations at work and in your home life; when nobody’s angry with you for missing a deadline or dropping the ball; and when the fully optimized person you’ve become can turn, at long last, to the things life is really supposed to be about. Let’s start by admitting defeat: none of this is ever going to happen. But you know what? That’s excellent news.”

“The world is bursting with wonder, and yet it’s the rare productivity guru who seems to have considered the possibility that the ultimate point of all our frenetic doing might be to experience more of that wonder.” ― Oliver Burkeman, Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals

What do you think of when you calculate the number of weeks you’ve already had and the number you have remaining if all goes well? What will you do more of? Less of?

I will do less whining about how much time I’ve spent on book number two and more time enjoying where it is taking me. I will also probably spend less time vacuuming and even less time worrying about whether I will or will not vacuum. And maybe I won’t talk about things that don’t matter with the man I love … at least until we’ve had our coffee.

Frida. Just because she had a haircut this week and I can’t get enough of her face.

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This Week in Resources for Readers and Writers

For Readers and Book Clubs

For readers and book clubs looking to expand their horizons, here is Bookmarked, a newsletter edited by Tabatha Leggett about her journey to read a book from every country. 

To keep abreast of new releases, author events, and interviews, follow A Mighty Blaze on Facebook and here at their website. Born of necessity at the dawn of the pandemic, it’s a one-stop shop for videos, interviews, podcasts, and launch events for books in all genres. 

For Writers and Writers Groups

Writer and teacher Martha McPhee returned to journaling and now teaches her students how to use journaling to increase their powers of observation and to take joy in the concrete feel of a notebook in their hands. Here’s a brief essay by her that explains her approach. If you can’t access it, let me know and I will send it to you in another format. 

You will find these and other resources for readers here and writers here. We add as we go so please let me know your favorite resources so we can post them for others!

That’s it for this week except for this: in honor of Casualties’ sixth birthday, I’m giving away six copies. Winners will have their choice: a signed copy via snail mail or an e-book version sent via link from your vendor of choice. Mailed copies can only go to folks in the U.S. and those with access to online stories in the U.S. If you’ve already read the book, think about a friend who might like it and share this post (just use the button below). I’ll draw six names. To enter the drawing, just leave a comment below or respond to this email letting me know you are interested. You can learn more about the story HERE and, of course, I’m happy to answer any questions you might have.

As always, the books mentioned in this newsletter can be found at the Spark Community Recommendations page at bookshop.org. Every sale supports local bookstores. Any commission earned will be donated to a literacy program chosen by the community.

Ciao until next week!

Gratefully,

Betsy

P.S. And now, your moment of Zen…An Omen?

Calling for Your Contribution to “Moment of Zen”

What is YOUR moment of Zen? Send me your photos, a video, a drawing, a song, a poem, or anything with a visual that moved you, thrilled you, calmed you. Or just cracked you up. This feature is wide open for your own personal interpretation.

Come on, go through your photos, your memories or just keep your eyes and ears to the ground and then share. Send your photos/links, etc. to me by replying to this email or simply by sending to: elizabethmarro@substack.com. The main guidelines are probably already obvious: don’t hurt anyone  -- don’t send anything that violates the privacy of someone you love or even someone you hate, don’t send anything divisive, or aimed at disparaging others. Our Zen moments are to help us connect, to bond, to learn, to wonder, to share -- to escape the world for a little bit and return refreshed. 

I can’t wait to see what you send!