What profound questions. Each one deserves mulling time. Off the top: While long friendships have a resonance that only shared history can provide, new friendships are deeply satisfying in a different way. My best friend died long ago, and I will always miss her. As I reckon with the fleetingness of everything, new friendship gives me hope. It’s the green shoot in a withered garden. There’s something rhapsodic, almost romantic about that meeting of hearts and minds that tells me I have found a special friend. Yet with some new friendship gives, what I feel is quiet mutual care—not thrilling but sustaining. In our 60s and 70s, we understand that friendship, like gardening, takes effort and commitment. If you don’t show up for each other, you will lose the friendship.
You are so right, Rona. New friendships are deeply satisfying. One of my newest friends is about to turn 87. We've known each other for a few years now. We can talk about almost anything. She told me that she has made some of her most surprising and wonderful friendships since turning 80. Our connection was forged swiftly and neither of us wasted much time getting to the heart of things. She told me that she can't afford the luxury of a long "getting to know you" process. It's been a gift to both of us.
You are so right -- friendships require effort and commitment. And bravery in the face of the "fleetingness of everything."
Yes! My best friend died in 1993 and I still miss him. But we had a mutual friend at the time and he and I have stayed friends over the years and our husbands are friends now too.
This post hit home. I have been blessed with a friend for 60 years now. And everything you write about is true for us too. And then your line, "I'm too old to make old friends." And yet, unexpectedly, I have. A few new friends who arrived in my life with all the intimacy and intensity of old friends. What a gift friends are, especially as we age.
Yes, new friends are a gift. You touch on the truth that we don't have to know someone for a long time to feel understood. Connection is a mysterious thing. And a gift. Thank you for sharing this. And here's to your 60-year friendship!!!
Great questions. Much to mull over. Meanwhile, I want to tell you about my dog Max and his friend. Max loved to go on walks, and he developed a friendship with a dog two blocks away who seemed to spend its life in its small yard. When we walked by, Max would stop and commune with the dog for a few minutes. We did this for years. When Max got old and sick, he went on walks until he just couldn't. But on the day he died, he asked to go for a walk. He went straight to his friend's house and they "talked." Then I had to carry him back home.
This story broke my heart when I read it the other day, Sandra. I couldn't tell if it was from sadness or joy. I am glad for Max. I am glad he had you to understand that he needed to see his friend. I imagine their "talk" as the private, perfect communication it undoubtedly was.
I feel both sadness and joy when I remember this. Joy that he knew what he wanted and that I understood him. But I'll always miss Max. He was the best.
Met my oldest friend in sixth grade. We stayed friends through everything, even when we were many miles apart, though there was a longish hiatus when I went traveling by boat, as neither of us are good correspondents. Thank goodness for email and now texting, we are in touch fairly often.
I think the test is this: if you censor yourself, you're not really friends. True friends don't judge, or if we do, we are willing to handle the consequences of that judgment. Contrary to the old tv ad, your best friends will tell you about your bad breath (or your drinking problem or whatever).
My newest friend is 84 and I'm 64. We met 3 years ago through another old friend and have enjoyed sharing shopping or lunch dates ever since. I can say anything to her, and she to me. And we do!
That's interesting, Jen. My newest friend is about to turn 87. She doesn't believe in pussy-footing around. Time and life is too short. It's been so good.
Yes! When I was younger, I judged people harshly and held small disappointments or failings against them. I no longer expect one friend to tick all the boxes. I celebrate what I enjoy in a friend and ignore the other stuff unless it is simply impossible (as in the case of a friend who revealed herself to be a racist alcoholic).
Yes, an alcoholic I can handle, but a true racist? No. (By true racist I mean they embrace their idiotic worldview, not just people having dumb prejudices that they can learn to evolve out of.)
A friend is there for the good, the bad, & the ugly, underscored with humor and a few screaming sessions.
Like you, I cherish a particular friendship of 50 years. Linda & I met for the first time while assigned to an auditing group (IRS) in SD; both totally incompatible for such work. We were wild at the time and smoked a lot of weed. We talked of our sexual conquests and then both settled down in respective marriages, and then we both divorced our spouses, and both lived in Mexico, and then returned and got our degrees from college and retired with a pension. We call, we text, & we may even meet up when I visit my Mom in PA next week (Linda lives in NY). I once tried to break off from our friendship, but she wouldn't allow it; I'm glad she stayed with me for all these years.
Linda sounds amazing. And very strong. She hung on when you wanted to let go and she somehow knew that was best for both of you. This is a powerful friendship. Thank you for sharing a bit about it.
I am blessed to be part of a tight-knit circle (men and women) who have been friends for more than 50 years. (Definitely old friends.) Jennifer and I became friends after she stole my boyfriend. She thought he was cute; she set out to win him, and she did. There's so much drama in life when you're 15! Then a strange thing happened; I realized she wasn't bad after all. She was quirky and fun, a balance to my quiet, introspective nature. We became friends, I was a bridesmaid at her wedding (the shared boyfriend was not the groom, though he is part of our group of close friends), and I am godmother to her daughter! You never know when and where a friendship can be born.
You ARE blessed. You have a pack, Linda. That's wonderful. You survived being fifteen together with all the drama (boy do I remember that) and have such close connections even now. Do you all gather as a group from time to time?
Yes, we are a pack! There are 12 of us, including spouses now, and we get together several times a year. Not everyone can make it to every gathering, but one we hold sacred is a day in early September when we gather to make homemade tomato sauce at one couple's home. Most of my friends are of Italian descent and generously share the traditions of their culture. Thanks for asking!
Great piece Betsy. It made me think of the friends I had in high school and college and why those failed the test of time. Hard to come up with a good reason. Most boiled down to a lack of effort to make a simple phone call, email or text message to try to reconnect.
Betsy, this Spark has sparked many interesting conversations and asked such good questions. This weekend I spent time with friends of long-standing at a writing retreat and the next morning at a birthday gathering. My closest, longest friendship is with a woman who is seventeen years younger than myself. We first met when she liked my hat and I liked her smile and we took it from there, like yout and Rae's bad-hair meeting. What a rich Spark and all the comments. Thank you.
My best friend from high school passed away several years ago and I miss her dearly. I met my best friend 36 years ago. We lived in each side of a duplex and we were at our first duty station in the Air Force. Despite distance and separate paths, we have remained close friends. My other close friend is part of a couple's friendship. Even though we haven't lived closed to each other since 1999, we have met up over the years and we are vacationing together in September. Moving around in the military always means saying goodbye and hello. I went for a long stretch without any in town friends. But once we moved to another city, I found friendships through a book club a friend and I started and a lovely group of women I discovered through NextDoor. I enjoy keeping up with friends through facebook and email, but nothing beats in person friends!
I'm sorry for your loss, Kathy. The friends from our youth -- if they last -- are very special. I'm heartened to read of your friendships forged now even in the midst of constant relocation. The military folks I know have a unique ability to make strong connections -- sometimes quickly -- and manage them amidst all the moves. It's a skill.
You are right. In person visits are so important no matter how close we are able to remain by phone and zoom and all of that.
You're right, Tom. We don't often talk about friendship the way we talk about marriage, family, or romance. We definitely should. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and levels of complexity. They provide riches. They are also fertile ground for stories. I wonder why we don't prioritize our friendships more in our conversations with others and ourselves?
What profound questions. Each one deserves mulling time. Off the top: While long friendships have a resonance that only shared history can provide, new friendships are deeply satisfying in a different way. My best friend died long ago, and I will always miss her. As I reckon with the fleetingness of everything, new friendship gives me hope. It’s the green shoot in a withered garden. There’s something rhapsodic, almost romantic about that meeting of hearts and minds that tells me I have found a special friend. Yet with some new friendship gives, what I feel is quiet mutual care—not thrilling but sustaining. In our 60s and 70s, we understand that friendship, like gardening, takes effort and commitment. If you don’t show up for each other, you will lose the friendship.
You are so right, Rona. New friendships are deeply satisfying. One of my newest friends is about to turn 87. We've known each other for a few years now. We can talk about almost anything. She told me that she has made some of her most surprising and wonderful friendships since turning 80. Our connection was forged swiftly and neither of us wasted much time getting to the heart of things. She told me that she can't afford the luxury of a long "getting to know you" process. It's been a gift to both of us.
You are so right -- friendships require effort and commitment. And bravery in the face of the "fleetingness of everything."
A wise woman, your new friend. In old age we not only avoid wasting time, we tend to be more purposeful about using the time we have.
Yes! My best friend died in 1993 and I still miss him. But we had a mutual friend at the time and he and I have stayed friends over the years and our husbands are friends now too.
This post hit home. I have been blessed with a friend for 60 years now. And everything you write about is true for us too. And then your line, "I'm too old to make old friends." And yet, unexpectedly, I have. A few new friends who arrived in my life with all the intimacy and intensity of old friends. What a gift friends are, especially as we age.
Thank you for this post. ❤️
Yes, new friends are a gift. You touch on the truth that we don't have to know someone for a long time to feel understood. Connection is a mysterious thing. And a gift. Thank you for sharing this. And here's to your 60-year friendship!!!
Great questions. Much to mull over. Meanwhile, I want to tell you about my dog Max and his friend. Max loved to go on walks, and he developed a friendship with a dog two blocks away who seemed to spend its life in its small yard. When we walked by, Max would stop and commune with the dog for a few minutes. We did this for years. When Max got old and sick, he went on walks until he just couldn't. But on the day he died, he asked to go for a walk. He went straight to his friend's house and they "talked." Then I had to carry him back home.
This story broke my heart when I read it the other day, Sandra. I couldn't tell if it was from sadness or joy. I am glad for Max. I am glad he had you to understand that he needed to see his friend. I imagine their "talk" as the private, perfect communication it undoubtedly was.
I feel both sadness and joy when I remember this. Joy that he knew what he wanted and that I understood him. But I'll always miss Max. He was the best.
Met my oldest friend in sixth grade. We stayed friends through everything, even when we were many miles apart, though there was a longish hiatus when I went traveling by boat, as neither of us are good correspondents. Thank goodness for email and now texting, we are in touch fairly often.
I think the test is this: if you censor yourself, you're not really friends. True friends don't judge, or if we do, we are willing to handle the consequences of that judgment. Contrary to the old tv ad, your best friends will tell you about your bad breath (or your drinking problem or whatever).
My newest friend is 84 and I'm 64. We met 3 years ago through another old friend and have enjoyed sharing shopping or lunch dates ever since. I can say anything to her, and she to me. And we do!
That's interesting, Jen. My newest friend is about to turn 87. She doesn't believe in pussy-footing around. Time and life is too short. It's been so good.
I love that!
Yes! When I was younger, I judged people harshly and held small disappointments or failings against them. I no longer expect one friend to tick all the boxes. I celebrate what I enjoy in a friend and ignore the other stuff unless it is simply impossible (as in the case of a friend who revealed herself to be a racist alcoholic).
Yes, an alcoholic I can handle, but a true racist? No. (By true racist I mean they embrace their idiotic worldview, not just people having dumb prejudices that they can learn to evolve out of.)
A friend is a friend no matter what; a friend loves you even when you forget to love yourself, especially when you forget that essential fact of life.
Yes. To all of this, PJ. Thank you.
A friend is there for the good, the bad, & the ugly, underscored with humor and a few screaming sessions.
Like you, I cherish a particular friendship of 50 years. Linda & I met for the first time while assigned to an auditing group (IRS) in SD; both totally incompatible for such work. We were wild at the time and smoked a lot of weed. We talked of our sexual conquests and then both settled down in respective marriages, and then we both divorced our spouses, and both lived in Mexico, and then returned and got our degrees from college and retired with a pension. We call, we text, & we may even meet up when I visit my Mom in PA next week (Linda lives in NY). I once tried to break off from our friendship, but she wouldn't allow it; I'm glad she stayed with me for all these years.
P.S. I hope you guys DO get a chance to meet up when you head east.
Linda sounds amazing. And very strong. She hung on when you wanted to let go and she somehow knew that was best for both of you. This is a powerful friendship. Thank you for sharing a bit about it.
Linda is a force; strong, intelligent & fiercely loyal to family & friends.
I was 15 when I read John Knowles's 1959 novel "A Separate Piece." It remains my favorite book about friendship. Summary here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Separate_Peace.
I've heard of it of course but never read it. So many books I've never read! I despair sometimes.
Shouldn't take long. Just over 200 pp.
a friend is with you even when they're not with you
Yes, I carry my friend's words with me and also memories. Always.
I am blessed to be part of a tight-knit circle (men and women) who have been friends for more than 50 years. (Definitely old friends.) Jennifer and I became friends after she stole my boyfriend. She thought he was cute; she set out to win him, and she did. There's so much drama in life when you're 15! Then a strange thing happened; I realized she wasn't bad after all. She was quirky and fun, a balance to my quiet, introspective nature. We became friends, I was a bridesmaid at her wedding (the shared boyfriend was not the groom, though he is part of our group of close friends), and I am godmother to her daughter! You never know when and where a friendship can be born.
You ARE blessed. You have a pack, Linda. That's wonderful. You survived being fifteen together with all the drama (boy do I remember that) and have such close connections even now. Do you all gather as a group from time to time?
Hi Elizabeth,
Yes, we are a pack! There are 12 of us, including spouses now, and we get together several times a year. Not everyone can make it to every gathering, but one we hold sacred is a day in early September when we gather to make homemade tomato sauce at one couple's home. Most of my friends are of Italian descent and generously share the traditions of their culture. Thanks for asking!
Great piece Betsy. It made me think of the friends I had in high school and college and why those failed the test of time. Hard to come up with a good reason. Most boiled down to a lack of effort to make a simple phone call, email or text message to try to reconnect.
Thank you for such a reminder and your thoughts on friends. A friend comes in many flavors, many ways. A delight in ones life.
Betsy, this Spark has sparked many interesting conversations and asked such good questions. This weekend I spent time with friends of long-standing at a writing retreat and the next morning at a birthday gathering. My closest, longest friendship is with a woman who is seventeen years younger than myself. We first met when she liked my hat and I liked her smile and we took it from there, like yout and Rae's bad-hair meeting. What a rich Spark and all the comments. Thank you.
My best friend from high school passed away several years ago and I miss her dearly. I met my best friend 36 years ago. We lived in each side of a duplex and we were at our first duty station in the Air Force. Despite distance and separate paths, we have remained close friends. My other close friend is part of a couple's friendship. Even though we haven't lived closed to each other since 1999, we have met up over the years and we are vacationing together in September. Moving around in the military always means saying goodbye and hello. I went for a long stretch without any in town friends. But once we moved to another city, I found friendships through a book club a friend and I started and a lovely group of women I discovered through NextDoor. I enjoy keeping up with friends through facebook and email, but nothing beats in person friends!
I'm sorry for your loss, Kathy. The friends from our youth -- if they last -- are very special. I'm heartened to read of your friendships forged now even in the midst of constant relocation. The military folks I know have a unique ability to make strong connections -- sometimes quickly -- and manage them amidst all the moves. It's a skill.
You are right. In person visits are so important no matter how close we are able to remain by phone and zoom and all of that.
Sorry for the typo--A Separate Peace, not a Separate Piece."
You're right, Tom. We don't often talk about friendship the way we talk about marriage, family, or romance. We definitely should. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and levels of complexity. They provide riches. They are also fertile ground for stories. I wonder why we don't prioritize our friendships more in our conversations with others and ourselves?